>From The New Yorker, November 14, 1994 ANNALS OF RELIGION O GURU, GURU, GURU The spiritual movement known as SYDA boasts a glittering clientele and a multimillion-dollar Catskills retreat. But behind all the serenity lie some uncomfortable, ill-kept secrets-and a less than blissful struggle about succession. BY LIS HARRIS On a damp day last fall, some three thousand people from all over the world gathered in a huge glass-and-marble pavilion in a rundown pocket of the Catskill Mountains to chant, meditate, and dance in rapt circles under the beneficent eye of their revered teacher and spiritual guide, Gurumayi Chidvilasananda. The singsong Sanskrit chanting, the saris of the (mostly Western) women devotees, and the thick, sweet scent of incense lent the scene a hint of the sixties and early seventies. Gurumayi, as she is usually referred to, is a beautiful, energetic thirty-nine-year-old Indian woman who was named by the Honolulu-based monthly magazine Hinduism Today as one of the ten most influential international Hindu leaders of the last decade. She is the spiritual head of the Siddha Yoga Dham (or Home of Siddha Yoga) of America Foundation, known by the acronym SYDA-the dominant American arm of a thriving organization that maintains five hundred and fifty meditation centers and ten ashrams scattered around the world. In one way or another, tens of thousands of people, ranging from live-in devotees to occasional visitors and mediators, are involved in SYDA's activities. Its five hundred-and-fifty-acre Catskill ashram, near the village of South Fallsburg, New York, serves as its headquarters. At South Fallsburg, photographs of the guru-with her thousand-watt smile, wide eyes, and elegantly chiselled cheekbones-adorn nearly every wall, cash register, shop counter, and shelf, as well as her devotees' private meditation altars and many of their car dashboards. There are also plenty of photographs of SYDA's founder and Gurumayi's predecessor, Swami Muktananda Paramahamsa. Swami Muktananda, who died in October, 1982, at the age of seventy-four, was one of the most prominent of the numerous Indian spiritual teachers who flourished in the United States two decades ago. Devotees still refer to him by the honorific nickname Baba, or Father. South Fallsburg started out, in 1976, as a modest operation run out of the rented rooms of an old hotel; its sprawling complex now has an estimated market value of fifteen to seventeen million dollars. Muktananda disapproved of loans and debt, and SYDA reportedly paid mostly in cash for three dilapidated prewar Catskill hotels-the Brickman, Gilbert's, and the Windsor. They have now been sleekly modernized, in country-club-glitz style, as Anugraha (Descent of Grace), Sadhana Kutir (House of Spiritual Practices), and Atma Nidhi (Treasure of the Self). Around the ashram's main building, the neatly landscaped grounds are scattered with Disneyesque painted-plaster likenesses of Indian gods, reflecting the scope of the Hindu pantheon. Nobody knows how rich SYDA is: as a nonprofit religious organization, it is not required to declare its income or pay property taxes. Most of the devotees who work at the ashrams are unpaid; many pay rent to live there. During a summer weekend, several thousand people may visit the South Fallsburg ashram, and SYDA can raise more than a million dollars from the sale of food, books, tapes, and memorabilia and from "intensives" a type of spiritual initiation program, usually lasting two days and costing four hundred dollars. (The intensives follow a format similar to that of many self-help programs of the seventies and early eighties, especially the est program, a profitable self-help movement founded by Muktananda's friend Werner Erhard.) Some years, intensives are held all summer long. In 1989, revenue from the South Fallsburg bookstore alone was well over four million dollars. Over the years, SYDA has attracted a number of well-known admirers, including Jerry Brown, John Denver, Andre Gregory, Diana Ross, Isabella Rossellini, Phylicia Rashad, Don Johnson, Melanie Griffith, and Marsha Mason. Most of Gurumayi's followers are college-educated people, who may have been attracted to meditation for spiritual reasons but are just as likely to have sought out one of her ashrams for the psychological and health benefits that the meditative process is said to confer. The pop-culture image of the ashram visitor as dazed flower child or potential Manson groupie is outdated. Long after the Beatles took off their kurtas, and the last string of love beads was tossed in the trash, many serious students of Eastern meditation in this country continued to find in the practice riches that had eluded them in the mainstream religions of the West. Doctors, lawyers, artists, business people, and religious-leaders of many denominations are among the five million or so Americans who practice yoga, and many of them can be found on what is sometimes called the New Age religion scene-a peculiar name, really, since the traditions these groups draw from are among the oldest in the world. The occasion for the gathering that fall morning was the last day of a yajna a (pronounced "yagnya"), an ancient Vedic fire ceremony, which was presided over by sixteen Brahman priests who had been flown from India to South Fallsburg to help commemorate the eleventh anniversary of Swami Muktananda's death. The yajna was held in the pavilion, which has blue neon-lighted pillars that make it look (especially at night) like a cross between a mother spaceship and a small sports stadium. Kathy Nash, the SYDA spokesperson, a chipper woman with light-brown hair who used to work as an anchor for a Monterey, California, TV station, steered me to a cushion on the women's side of pavilion. (Men and women traditionlly sit apart in ashrams.) The sixteen orange-robed priests, who all week had been chanting and casting offerings of spices, and flowers into a blazing fire sunk into the pavilion floor, were being garlanded and enfolded in long shawls as a gesture of thanks. About fifty feet from the firepit sat a red-robed figure wearing a raffish-looking, high-crowned, unadorned red hat, whom I took at first to be a beautiful boy, perhaps an acolyte. But when the figure's face appeared, hugely magnified, on two closed-circuit screens suspended from the ceiling, I could see that I had in fact been looking at the startlingly glamorous Gurumayi. Gurumayi remained a distant presence, but that evening I was introduced to her at darshan-a ritual in which devotees and visitors receive a blessing from the guru in the form of a tap on the head with a wand of peacock feathers. Sitting on a throne, she beamed her powerful smile a me, tapped me with the feathers, and gave me a frank once-over, followed by another generous blast of smile. A nimbus of electricity seemed to surround her. She asked if I had seen the yagna ceremony. I said I'd caught only a bit of it at the end, because I'd lost my reading glasses earlier, and that had delayed my arrival. "You think so much," she said, smiling again. I nodded, though I had no idea what she meant. Then, sensing impatience in the long line behind me, I started to edge sidewise, away from the throne. I was detained be a regal movement of the guru's hand as she signaled to a young attendant on the floor beside her. The attendant quickly rose and draped a garland of gardenias around my neck. SEVERAL months later, at New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport, a rather less beatific scene unfolded. On the evening of February 1, 1994, a car pulled up to the Lufthansa section of the international terminal, and a tall, bearded, powerfully built Indian in his early thirties got out. He was dressed in a swami's traditional orange robe, and he was accompanied by two women, both Western in appearance. As the three were making their way to the terminal, five men, waiting at the curb, approached them menacingly and began shouting "You're dragging Baba's name in the mud!" The main object of this attention, the man in the orange robe, was the younger brother of Gurumayi. Born Subhash Shetty, in Bombay, he had, like his sister, been given a new name-Nityananda. Like Gurumayi, Nityananda is a meditation teacher with an ashram (though a tiny one) in the Catskills. And, like her, he claims to be an inheritor of Swami Muktananda's spiritual mantle. Indeed, Muktananda had named him his sole successor in July of 1981, and about a year later, a few months before he died, changed the decree to name him and his sister his official co-successors. But Nityananda stepped down under mysterious circumstances in 1985, and today his picture is conspicuously absent at SYDA ashrams. The women accompanying him, Inge Fichelmann and Kimberly Cable, who use the Sanskrit names Nirguna and Devayani respectively, were his principal assistants. The five men doing the shouting were all known to Nityananda, and all were active devotees of Gurumayi. Among them was a member of SYDA's three-person Executive Management Council, which oversees the day-to-day running of the South Fallsburg ashram. According to Nirguna, another of the men, a longtime devotee named Ganesh Irelan, put his face right up to Nityananda's and said loudly, "I'm going to follow you till the day you die!" Devayani ran inside to the ticket counter to call for the police, but by the time they arrived the men had been chased away from the Lufthansa ticketing area by an airport security guard. The guard, Joseph Mee, later told me that he'd never seen anything quite like the scene that followed. Lufthansa stowed Nityananda and Devayani, who were scheduled to depart for Germany on the first leg of a trip to India, in the first-class lounge, though they weren't traveling first class. When the flight was announced, Mee and other guards formed a human wall around them and started walking them to the departure gate. But the five men had managed to slip through an unguarded door to the departure area "They all looked the same, to put it bluntly. They looked like clones," Mee said. "They were saying that he was a cult figure ...and meantime they're acting like complete fools." Nityananda and Devayani managed to board the plane but not before being followed to the boarding gate by the five men, who, Mee added, had to be "pushed aside" to clear the way. This incident, with its mixture of slapstick and menace, is only one of the more recent in a long series of curious and sometimes disturbing events, and it is a reminder that behind the vision of Catskill bliss lies a more complicated tale, one that traces its roots to a bitter family schism and, before that, to SYDA's founder. SWAMI MUKTANANDA PARAMAHAMSA, Gurumayi's-and Nityananda's-predecessor, began his spiritual searching's at the age of fifteen but didn't find his own guru until he was thirty-nine, in 1947. According to SYDA's ecclesiastical constitution, "the Siddha Yoga lineage of Gurudisciple ... goes back ... in time thousands of years beginning with the primordial Guru, Shiva." Historically, though, Muktananda's lineage goes back no further than to his guru, Bhagawan Nityananda, an ecstatic, mostly silent renunciant who, it is said, was born a Siddha (Sanskrit for "perfected one") and claimed no physical guru of his own. Other students of Bhagawan Nityananda also claimed to be his disciples, but they attracted far fewer devotees. There have been Siddhas in India since time immemorial, and numerous other Siddha lineages are represented in India today, but none has a global following to rival SYDA's. In Siddha Yoga, a central goal is the awakening of cosmic energy, or Shakti, which is said to be coiled at the base of the spine, in a form called Kundalini, and which, when activated, manifests itself as bliss. And it is through a guru that the Shakti is awakened-by word, touch, look, or thought. As a matter of creed, this is the role that Bhagawan Nityananda played for Muktananda, and it is the role that Muktananda would play for thousands across the globe. After coming to the United States in 1970, Muktananda traveled frequently around the world, published more than thirty books, gave lectures, and founded numerous ashrams and meditation centers. SYDA's official histories say that he believed it was his mission to create a "meditation revolution" in the West, and the hundreds of enthusiastic devotees who filled jumbo jets-chartered by SYDA-to join Baba in India on two of his "world tours" (he went on three, in the nineteen-seventies) must have seen that as a real possibility. Most of Muktananda's devotees revered him as a saint, and many students of his who shied away from that kind of vocabulary nonetheless considered him the most impressive man they had ever known. Even diehard rationalists who met him thought him a man of great charisma and charm. Two apparently contradictory themes thread their way through Muktananda's writings. On the one hand, he urges seekers not to be too credulous or to yield too easily to the demands of the guru. "To love a Guru does not mean to follow after him saying, 'O Guru, Guru, Guru,' " he writes. On the other hand, he maintains, the only way to escape the bonds of ego is to surrender to a guru-not by worshipping his physical form but by following his path and teachings. "The Guru is absolutely necessary for one's life as necessary as the vital force," he writes. A true guru, he adds, is "not an individual, but the divine power of grace flowing through that individual. That power is the Shakti that creates and supports the world." To sustain such awesome powers, a guru "always practices the teachings he imparts to others. He never breaks his own discipline. He follows strict celibacy." In fact, Muktananda advised his devotees to refrain from sex, too. "For mediation," he told a South Fallsburg audience in 1972, "what you need is not dollars, not eggs, not sweets, nor chocolate or cakes. What you need is this strength, this seminal vigor. Therefore I insist on total celibacy as long as you are staying in the ashram." On such bedrock principles are communities of belief grounded. SEVERAL hundred people were living at the South Fallsburg ashram at the time of my visit, but the vast majority of Gurumayi's devotees lead conventional lives interspersed with weekend and summertime interludes at the ashram. Even for them, the power of SYDA's practices is undeniable. Some told me that the practice of Siddha Yoga had been more useful to them than therapy; some that it had helped them to reconnect with their own religions. And for other, whose involvement is less casual, it can be completely life-transforming. One such person is Sally Kempton, a long-term American devotee of Gurumayi's. In 1974, she left a promising career as a journalist to join the ashram. Kempton, the daughter of the Newsday columnist Murray Kempton, had a reputation as an acerbic essayist for such publications as Esquire and the Village Voice. In April, 1976, New York published a piece of hers, entitled "Hanging Out with the Guru," in which she described Muktananda holding court in a mansion in Pasadena, California, in 1974, with a big crowd of people paying tribute to him with flowers and fruit as he touched their heads with a wand of peacock feathers. Dressed in his customary orange robe, ski cap, and sunglasses, the sixty-six-year-old guru seemed to her to radiate a boyish insouciance, and to be "the least spaced-out person in the room, a practical, solid presence." Kempton sat around listlessly as devotees asked questions about visionary experiences, until one woman asked a question that seemed to apply to her own life: "What do you do about negative emotions?" His answer-"Let them go"-and his subsequent elaboration of this approach to difficult problems had for her the force of a depth charge, not because of the idea, which sounded like any number of pop philosophies, but because of the spiritual authority and power she felt behind it: I felt as if a huge pool had opened in my heart (Oh God, I thought, it's all true what those creeps were saying), and the pool was full of soft air, and I was floating in it. It was the most intensely sensual feeling I had ever had. It felt so good that my first reaction was a sharp pang of guilt, a feeling that I had stumbled into some forbidden region, perhaps tapped a pleasure center in my brain, which would keep me hooked on bodyless sensuality, string me out on bliss until I turned into a vegetable. Soon, she wrote, she stopped enjoying cigarettes, even though she had been a smoker since the age of thirteen and had had no particular wish to quit. She also began needing far less sleep, and she rarely got annoyed at things that would have bothered her a lot in the past. A couple of weeks after that first encounter, she was formally introduced to Muktananda, and three months after that, in Denver, she joined his tour. The New York article on Muktananda was one of Kempton's last pieces as a popular-magazine writer. By the time it came out, she had joined Muktananda's entourage; she has been a full-time member of his organization ever since, and in 1982 she became a swami and was given the spiritual name Durgananda. Her defection was a minor cause celebre in the small world of New York journalism. Ross Wetzsteon, a former editor of hers at the Voice, told me that he believes that her immersion in Siddha Yoga diminished her. "Sally was a wonderfully gifted writer, and when she got involved with that place she lost all her wit, all her irony, and all her perceptiveness," he said. "It was as if her brain had gone completely soft. There was a vacancy. She seemed hollow. People use the word 'brainwashed'-I know that doesn't really apply, but it was as if her center had disappeared, not got stronger." Durgananda, who is fifty-one years old now, is a slim, fine-featured woman with cropped dark-blond hair and large, intelligent pale-blue eyes. When I met her, she was wearing a red robe and ski cap. Though she did not remotely conform to the bliss-blob image the woman I sat with over a vegetarian Indian lunch in the ashram's snack bar had a ready laugh and a quick wit she did talk about the guru, as do many devotees, in somewhat abstract terms. For example, she told me that a distinguishing feature of Muktananda and Gurumayi, compared with other, run-of-the-mill gurus, "is that they're fully enlightened. They've reached the goal." "How do you know that?" I asked. "You know it ultimately by your experience. You know it ultimately by the state which you attain. But there are a lot of ways; that you can test or that you can understand the state of the guru. One of them is that a master is in a state of total equality awareness, and you see this cropping up. In other words, without being spaced-out or out of this world, they really do see everyone as equal. It's something that's so rare that we're not aware of how much inequality we experience. ... Things like, you're too hot, you're too cold, you're comfortable with this, you're not comfortable with that, you want this, you don't want that. It's like the whole universe is made up of better and worse and more and less. What you find with these masters is not that they don't get cold or hot, and say, 'Turn down the heat.' It's not like that. But you see them time and time again in different situations and you see that there is this genuine unendingly joy and equanimity." When I asked Durgananda a few questions about Gurumayi's routines and habits, her responses were guarded. All I could glean from them was that Gurumayi ate alone, that she had a good sense of humor, and that she thrived on helping people. Some devotees to whom I spoke attested to life-altering visions they had had of Gurumayi-sometimes before they had even met her-or talked of prophetic dreams about her. Mainly, though, the powers attributed to Gurumayi are in the realm of helping people to feel more "centered"; her powers may also rest in an ability to attract well-educated, relatively worldly followers. Gurumayi, by all accounts, is a cool, calm, confident leader. Even so, I was firmly turned down each time I tried to find a way past the barriers around her. Her policy, I was told, was not to grant interviews to publications other than SYDA's own. By contrast, Muktananda used to give interviews liberally, even appearing on numerous TV shows (including one in Santa Monica in 1980 on which he gave the interviewer shaktipat, as the transmission of spiritual power from guru to disciple is called, during the commercial break), and in Gurumayi's early days as guru she herself gave several. Moreover, I found, I could never amble around the ashram's grounds on my own, or even sit in the lobby, without having a smiling man with a walkie-talkie or some soft-spoken facilitator swoop down on me. Many of my inquiries about SYDA's history seemed to be met by an air of secrecy. And after I'd had what I thought of as a private conversation with a devotee, the contents of that conversation were reported to the SYDA staff by someone who had been standing nearby. Perhaps experience had made them chary about the risks of making their affairs public. SYDA'S first taste of scandal came when, shortly before his death, Swami Muktananda was accused of failing to live up to the principles of celibacy by which he set such store. The accusations saw print in a 1983 article by William Rodarmor, published in CoEvolution Quarterly (now the Whole Earth Review). Rodarmor's article was based on twenty five interviews with members and former members of SYDA, and it detailed sexual activities Muktananda was alleged to have engaged in with female devotees, many of them fairly young. According to the article, members of Muktananda's inner circle had overlooked his behavior, or tried to rationalize it, for years. Then, in 1981, a swami named Stan Trout publicly distributed a letter in which he accused the then seventy-three-year-old guru of betraying the trust of young ashram women and causing their families anguish by extracting sexual favors from them in the name of spiritual enlightenment. Though Trout's letter troubled many in the SYDA community and sent shock waves through the Yogic world, Muktananda chose to respond by circulating within the fold a "Message from Baba," in which he quoted from the fifteenth-century poet-saint Kabir ("The elephant strides at his own gait, but the dogs do trail behind and bark"), and by telling devotees that they "should know the truth by their own experience, not by the letters that they receive." Ex-devotees told Rodarmor that Muktananda used a specially built table at the South Fallsburg ashram for his sexual encounters, that in India he had a habit of visiting the girls' dormitories at night, and that it was his custom to bestow gifts of money and jewelry on young women whom he summoned to his room. (If a young woman suddenly appeared wearing new jewelry, the ex-devotees said, it was understood that she had been tapped by the guru.) Michael Dinga, an Oakland contractor and a former SYDA Foundation trustee and devotee, who was in charge of construction at South Fallsburg for many years but became disillusioned and left SYDA in 1980, told Rodarmor that "it was supposed to be Muktananda's big secret, but since many of the girls were in their early to middle teens, it was hard to keep it secret." Investigating these claims, I tracked down approximately a hundred ex-devotees, ex-trustees, and ex-swamis, all but a handful of whom either so feared reprisals from SYDA or were so anxious not to be entangled with the organization that they would talk to me only if I promised not to use their names. A great number believed that the allegations about Muktananda's behavior were true, and found it hard to believe that Gurumayi could not be aware of it. A few former devotees told me that many people considered it a signal honor to have been tapped by the guru; one said those who had long-term relationships with him were known as his "queens," though some families and guardians of the young women sexually involved with him had become very upset. Several people pointed out to me that, whatever had happened, it was in a context of reverence so great that devotees used to drink Muktananda's bathwater and worship the trimmings from his haircuts, just as, soon enough, Gurumayi's attendants would vie to sit in her dirty bathwater. "A Siddha master can juice up the Shakti with sex," one longtime devotee who left SYDA in the mid-eighties told me. In his book "Where Are You Going?" Muktananda writes, "It is through the power of the upward-flowing sexual fluid" that the guru "is able to give Shaktipat." In context, this appears to be part of an argument for celibacy. But it may shed light on a detail common to all accounts of sexual encounters with Muktananda: that he did not ejaculate. Two women I talked with who were in their twenties when Muktananda approached them said that they had considered their experience to be "loving," and that it was "not exactly sex." What, exactly, was meant by "not exactly sex" was clarified by another ex-devotee, a writer, who sent me an unpublished account of what she described as a sexual encounter she had at the age of twenty-six with the then seventy-one-year-old Muktananda. After talking to her for a while in his room one evening about the power of Kundalini, she reports, Muktananda told her that "the pleasure we gain out of having sex also has a higher counterpart." Her account continued: He told me that when the Kundalini is fully realized, the body exists in a state of permanent ecstacy. "It ever changes and is ever new." He asked me to lie down on a table. He stood close to me and placed himself inside of me. We stayed for about one and a half hours in that position. During that whole he never had an erection or ejaculation. He never even moved. We talked all the time. He joked a lot, and told me stories about his childhood. At a certain moment he said: "Whatever happens now cannot be understood with the mind. Don't think about it a lot. This is just happening, that is all. Just know that this is the greatest day of your life." It was a very extraordinary experience. And he was right, I could never understand with my mind what happened that evening. All I know was that I was in a state of total ecstacy, and whatever happened had nothing to do with sex. In a letter that the woman sent me not long ago, she urged me to view her experience, as she has, in a context of moral relativism. "The beautiful example that the (true) Siddhas give us, which always touches me so deeply, is their quality of non-judgment and total acceptance," she wrote, and added, "The Grace of a Guru like Baba is something very mysterious." Muktananda may well have considered his sexual encounters in a similar light, and his wish, however hypocritical, to conceal them from public view, and even from the majority of his own followers, may have been a matter of public relations. A good number of those I spoke with, though they were troubled by his double life, found spiritual explanations for his behavior. Few considered the time they had spent with Muktananda to have been mainly a destructive experience, or felt that his sexual activities negated the spiritual gifts he had given them. Some speculated that the sexual activity might be construed as goddess worship; others pointed to precedents in Yogic history where sainted masters flouted conventional mores because they themselves lived on a more esoteric plane. Two people suggested that Muktananda's alleged preference for very young women, whom he was said to have regularly chosen from a six-bed dormitory known as the Princess Dorm, bespoke a need to borrow "extra energy" from them after he had suffered three heart attacks. Finally, some devotees have speculated that Muktananda was actually conducting Tantric spiritual initiations. (The Tantra tradition is derived from a number of sixth-to-twelfth-century mystical Hindu and Buddhist scriptures that describe a range of practices-including a form of sexual congress in which ejaculation is controlled-for attaining exalted states of awareness and enlightenment.) But the Tantric scholars I spoke to dismissed such explanations. "This kind of behavior should not be legitimized by calling it Tantra," Robert Thurman, the chairman of the Department of Religion at Columbia, told me. "The occasional shocking incident, even in legends, demonstrates exactly the degree to which such behavior stands against the tradition." The closest Muktananda ever came to explaining his behavior, some say, was in the oblique form of a talk given by Pratap Yande, a longtime Indian devotee, shortly before the guru's death and published after it, in the October, 1982, issue of Siddha Path, the sect's monthly magazine. The talk, entitled "Never Go Too Close to a Saint," was about a great seventeenth century saint named Ranganath, who lived his youth as an ascetic but at a certain point had a vision instructing him to accept the worldly things he might be offered. By and by, the vision came true, and he was given a beautiful horse, servants, and elegant clothes, and proceeded to live in a luxurious way, which many people around him found "confusing." One day, the story goes, a pious king came upon Ranganath (who was still supposed to be a renunciant) lying in bed with two beautiful women who were massaging his feet. When the king saw Ranganath thus disporting himself, "a little doubt about his saintliness" entered his mind. Sensing this, Ranganath dismissed the women, called for a silver bucket, "closed the door, and in the presence of the king he ejaculated his seminal fluid into the bucket, filling it to the brim." Shortly thereafter, calling upon an esoteric Yogic practice called mahavajroli mudra, "he reabsorbed all of the semen within himself and went back to sleep," and the two women returned and continued their foot therapy. The moral of the story: "It is impossible to understand a Siddha." As it was, there remained some devotees who could not accept a spiritual explanation of any sort, and reluctantly concluded that, though Muktananda's spiritual power was undeniable, their teacher was neither as enlightened nor as infallible as they had believed; still others felt revulsion and shock when they learned of his behavior. Scores of active devotees eventually left SYDA after hearing about the allegations against Muktananda; some never resumed their practices. "My personal opinion is that it's not OK, regardless of whether it's a time-honored tradition," I was told by a female ex-devotee who had spent much of an anguished year trying to find a satisfactory explanation of the whole business. "It was sex and it was abuse." The same woman, who had been a member of SYDA's inner circle, was informed that she was unwelcome at the ashram after she found that she couldn't deal with Muktananda's alleged sexual activities; she told Durgananda that she was leaving because of issues of personal integrity. "And what she said-I'll never forget it-was 'Well, you have the luxury of integrity. People who are committed don't have that luxury.' It just raised the hair on the back of my neck." Durgananda says that she does not remember making this remark. SYDA has steadfastly stuck to the position that Muktananda never strayed from celibacy, and its swamis have taken pains to teach ways of handling questions about the issue in role-playing training sessions with its meditation teachers. One American swami to whom I spoke-Kripananda, an ex-college professor who had lived and traveled extensively with Muktananda-vigorously denied every allegation. Kripananda said that at SYDA's Indian ashram, in Ganeshpuri, about fifty miles from Bombay, her room was adjacent to the stairs between the girls' dormitory, above, and Muktananda's room, directly below. The walls and doors were so thin that she could hear him sneeze or cough, and she had never heard anything suspicious. Nor did any of the girls complain to her about sexual molestation, she said, though they constantly came to her with their problems. Durgananda called the accusations "laughable" and "ridiculous." Had they been true, she said, Muktananda would not have been able to go on giving shaktipat and the organization would not have continued to be as healthy as it was. Recently, however, I spoke with two longtime SYDA meditation teachers with well established academic and professional careers as psychotherapists, who say that Durgananda sounded a different note with them. They told me that last winter they had investigated some of the allegations, had sadly concluded that they were true, and, in May of this year, confronted Durgananda and another swami, demanding to know why the truth had been kept from them for so many years. The confrontation occurred away from the ashram, and this time, according to the therapists, Durgananda did not say that the allegations were false. Durgananda told the therapists that she knew a number of the women quite well and was convinced that whatever had happened had been beneficial to them, but that the swamis had never talked about it, because they thought it would be more appropriate to be "discreet." The therapists have now left SYDA. When I phoned Durgananda and told her what they had said to me, she said, "My memory is that I did deny it to them," and she added that, whether the allegations were "true or not, it doesn't really change our understanding of Baba." As disturbing as the sexual allegations were, Michael Dinga, the former SYDA Foundation trustee, and other ex-devotees gave Rodarmor equally disturbing descriptions of strong-arm tactics used to hush up ex-devotees or punish them for disloyalty. Over the years, the ex-devotees said, various "enforcers" confronted and threatened those not in SYDA's favor. Dinga and his wife, Chandra, told Rodarmor that they were subjected to months of harassment. Through a message left on another ex-devotee's answering machine, Rodarmor wrote, the Dingas were warned that if they didn't keep quiet "acid would be thrown in Chandra's face and Michael would be castrated." In the early eighties, ex-devotees were especially fearful of David Lynn, a Vietnam veteran. (Joe Don Looney, a famously colorful N.F.L. running back known in the sixties for his eagerness to infuriate coaches, became briefly involved in these activities as well.) Rodarmor also reported that Muktananda phoned Michael Dinga while he was still living at the ashram to complain about the swami Stan Trout; he told Dinga that "Trout's ego is getting too big," explaining that he was sending Lynn to set him straight, and that Dinga was not to interfere. (This incident preceded and was unrelated to Trout's open letter.) Dinga told Rodarmor that Lynn went to South Fallsburg, got into a fight with Trout, and punched him. (Lynn confirms that he punched him, but says that he went on his own initiative.) According to Rodarmor, Lynn and Looney visited another ex-devotee and told her that Muktananda had said that Chandra Dinga had only two months to live. The harassment, Rodarmor wrote, stopped only after the Dingas hired a lawyer and the local police paid a visit to the Oakland ashram. It is this element in Rodarmor's account-the intimidation of those who leave SYDA and who appear to threaten it-that has carried over to Gurumayi's SYDA and has continued to shadow the organization, especially in connection with allegations about the treatment of Gurumayi's brother and co-successor, Nityananda. LONG before Gurumayi and Nityananda were born, their father, a Bombay restaurateur named Sheena Shetty, was an admirer of Muktananda's. They first met in 1944, and for a while Shetty, a deeply religious man, provided Muktananda with living space above his restaurant. Eventually, Shetty and his wife, Devaki, sent two of their four children to live and study with Muktananda. Malti-the future Gurumayi-arrived in 1973, when she was eighteen; Subhash, the third child and Malti's junior by seven years, followed in 1978. Subhash Shetty, who was known as a sweet-natured, somewhat shy boy, received the name Swami Nityananda Saraswati when he took vows of monkhood in October, 1980. The name was a significant honor, since Muktananda's own guru had also been called Nityananda. At the end of a huge public program in South Fallsburg on July 17, 1981, Muktananda, then seventy-three and in failing health, announced that Nityananda, who was eighteen, would be his successor. Nearly everyone was surprised by the news-including, it is said, Nityananda himself. While many welcomed the announcement, others worried that he was far too callow to take the guru's place. One person who seemed to be unprepared for the news was Malti, whom some people considered a far better candidate, because of her greater maturity, discipline, and experience. Then, sometime the following winter, Muktananda began referring to his successors-plural-without clearly explaining himself. Finally, on February 25, 1982, several swamis interviewed him for Siddha Path, and he said that, since there were two sexes in the world, it seemed right to make a man and a woman his successors. On April 26th, in Ganeshpuri, Malti was renamed Chidvilasananda, was shorn of her radiant black hair, and took vows of monkhood. (Gurumayi, or "One who is absorbed in the guru," is an honorific.) Two weeks later, sister and brother, both of whom, ex-devotees say, had been in equal measure spoiled and kept on a tight leash by Muktananda, were installed as co-successors. In a video of the ceremony; both of them look awed and vulnerable. Gurumayi was then a couple of months shy of twenty-seven, Nityananda just nineteen. From the start, their styles differed. By most accounts, Nityananda was informal, accessible, chummy with the devotees, somewhat self-mocking, and preferred chanting, meditating, and drumming to giving talks, while Gurumayi enjoyed ceremony and took the task of guarding SYDA's public image-and her own-more seriously. Usually, when there were two darshan lines, hers was longer. Nityananda, for his part, seemed content to let his sister play a more dominant role in the running of the ashram. Muktananda's death, five months after he installed the two as cosuccessors, deprived SYDA of its principal drawing card. It also left something of an organizational vacuum. In naming his successors, Muktananda apparently never said that either was "enlightened" or gave them specific instructions about running the organization. To make things worse, in the years that followed, many of the senior swamis, and about half the swamis altogether, left, because without him they felt less of a tie to the organization, or because of what they felt to be an increasingly authoritarian atmosphere. Some devotees who in later years became disaffected left SYDA to follow another well-known female Indian spiritual leader, Mata Amritanandamayi, and a number of those who visited her while they were still part of the SYDA world were shocked to discover that their names were being written down as they arrived at her programs. SYDA denies that it has ever assigned the task of writing down the names of known followers or ex-devotees who attend programs of other spiritual leaders, but an ex-swami I talked to told me with considerable embarrassment that she herself had participated in one such sortie. Over the years, a large number of people have been told that they are no longer welcome at the ashram because they disagree with its policies. Although I spoke to at least a dozen such people, SYDA says that the only people not permitted to visit the ashram are those who have "a history of disruption of the peace and quiet of the ashram." The task of attracting new devotees, clearly, was taking on a greater urgency. Though there had been tutoring of public speakers and a certain amount of institutional streamlining under Muktananda, he had allowed his swamis a fair amount of freedom. After his death, though, managers gradually took over many more of the swamis' functions, and almost every facet of the presentation of the ashram's religious and outreach programs fell under the control of the Programming Department, which came to rely on rehearsed talks, and even rehearsed audience responses, to smooth out SYDA's public programs. In time, swamis were occasionally even asked to wear little earphones when they gave talks, so that Gurumayi or George Afif, a Lebanese-born devotee and close aide, could make suggestions to them as they spoke. EVEN true believers were sorely tested by a series of bizarre events that took place in Ganeshpuri at the end of 1985, when it was suddenly announced that Muktananda had named Nityananda as co-guru for only a three-year period, that the time was up, and that Nityananda was therefore stepping down both as co-successor and as a swami. To many in SYDA's ashrams back in the United States-especially those who had had powerful spiritual experiences through him-the announcement was baffling. Devotees were told to turn in photographs and videos that included Nityananda and to excise all pictures of him and information about him from their books; one former center leader remembers being given notice that pictures of Nityananda should be burned, because they would bring bad luck. Then, five months later, SYDA modified its previous announcement: now the reason Nityananda had left was that he had broken his vow of celibacy. Nityananda, once Muktananda's honored successor, had become not just a non-guru but a non-person. Some people say that the seeds of conflict had been there from the beginning. Shortly after Muktananda's funeral, Gurumayi and Nityananda gave speeches about their new roles. In a video of the event that I watched recently (it had been saved by a resistant devotee during the great purge), Nityananda, his eyes filling with tears and his voice choking with emotion, clasped his sister's hand, held it up in the air, and said, "People have already started creating a split between us: she is better and he is bad; he is better and she is bad. I want you to know one thing. Many of you all know that we were both born to the same family, and we have been united since childhood. No matter what you may do, no matter what you may think of us, we won't split." But three years later, in the fall of 1985, after the two gurus arrived, separately, in Ganeshpuri for ceremonies commemorating the third anniversary of Muktananda's death, this unity was already severely strained. Given the tensions, in fact, Nityananda told friends that he thought it might be a good idea for him to take time out and embark on a tour of the holy sites of India. That trip never took place. Instead, Nityananda ended up embarking on an odyssey that would ultimately take him to exile at his own small ashram, a place called Shanti Mandir (Temple of Peace), situated in the Catskills not far from the SYDA complex. Nityananda was initially reluctant to talk to me, but eventually he agreed to meet me at Shanti Mandir on a snowy day last winter. His ashram turned out to be a modest brick-and-wood house on a back road. Nityananda had a large round face, a dark beard, and a gentle, unassuming manner and was wearing the orange robes of a swami. He readily admitted to me that, as SYDA charged, he had broken his vows, and that between the ages of nineteen and twenty-three, before his departure from SYDA, he had had sexual encounters with six women; he said he has admitted this to anyone who has asked him about it. He added that one of his lovers had been Devayani (now his principal aide). He said that he regretted his past lapses, but that he believes the essential gift he was given by Muktananda is eternal and that he is and will always be a successor. Nine years ago, however, Gurumayi made her disagreement on this score abundantly clear. HERE is Nityananda's version of his downfall: At about 10:30 P.M. on October 23, 1985, while thousands of people were chanting elsewhere in the Ganeshpuri ashram as part of the commemorative ceremonies, there was a knock at the door of Nityananda's apartment. When his attendant opened the door, seven or eight people pushed their way in and began shouting at Nityananda, "You've lost all your power! You're no longer a guru!" When he protested, his visitors told him that they were speaking on behalf of Gurumayi, and continued berating him. Nityananda says he tried to speak to his sister-he called her over the ashram's intercom-but she was unresponsive, saying only that they would talk in the morning. If that's how things were, he told her, he'd have to leave. About an hour later, however, he was told by his driver that three men on his sister's staff had slashed the tires of all the ashram cars. The next morning, he met his sister in the vestibule of Muktananda's apartment, where she had been joined by George Afif. His sister asked him, "Well, what do you want to do?" And he replied, "Well, you don't want me here. I'd better leave, but since all the people have come for this ceremony I should probably stay until the end of it." When Gurumayi asked her brother to come to her room "to talk further," he found himself surrounded by the same group that had come to his room the night before. "These people are here to help you get out from within you what it is you want to say," his sister told him. Afterward, he was led to Muktananda's study, where for the next eighteen days his only visitors were those Gurumayi permitted him to see-mainly, the same people who had come to his room and who now each day subjected him to lengthy harangues. He was taken out for two visits to the cafeteria and two public announcements, both of which he says he was forced to make: first, that he was taking a vow of silence, and then, five days later, that he was no longer a guru. The Mahamandaleshwar, the same ecclesiastical official who had overseen Nityananda's taking of monastic vows as well as many of SYDA's sacred ceremonies, was persuaded to give his blessing to ceremonies that stripped Nityananda of his monkhood, his spiritual name (he was officially renamed Venkateshwar Rao), and his guru status. On November 10th, Gurumayi was installed as sole successor. Nityananda was then allowed to return to his rooms, and over the next week, he says he signed papers relinquishing his power as co-ecclesiastical head of the SYDA Foundation, several blank sheets, and a document ceding access to a bank account. "Baba had put a million dollars for Gurumayi and myself in an account in Switzerland," Nityananda told me. "The ashram had its own accounts, and then there was a private account that Baba had his name on and that he transferred to us. He'd told me that if ever anything was to happen to the ashram-if people decided not to come, or any other misfortune happened-he had left enough for the two of us to live comfortably in the ashram." On November 24th, a few days after Nityananda signed the papers, Gurumayi and Afif arrived in his room and summoned Devayani (the person in the ashram he was closest to) and eleven others, including six additional women Gurumayi accused him of having "abused." (Nityananda says he had had consensual sexual contact with four of the six, and none with the two others.) When they were all assembled, Gurumayi struck him and Devayani with a bamboo cane and then gave the cane to the six women and urged each in him to continue striking him. The caning went on for three hours, Nityananda says, and throughout, he claims, Gurumayi kept urging his assailants to hit him more vigorously. Nityananda says, "At one point she said, 'Maybe I should beat him on his penis. That's the cause of all this.' " He also claims that after the attack had gone on for quite a long time, Gurumayi turned to an aide and said, "He's not going to break down, is he?" Then she turned toward the devotee Ganesh Irelan-who had once been a close associate of Nityananda and, a decade later, would turn up at the Lufthansa terminal at J.F.K-and asked him if he wanted to do or say anything. Ganesh responded by punching Nityananda in the face. Before Gurumayi left, Nityananda says, she asked him, "You're not going to report this to the police, are you?" WHEN abbreviated accounts of these events appeared in January and March of 1986 as cover stories in the Illustrated Weekly of India, a large circulation news magazine, SYDA responded with a packet of statements from SYDA's trustees, from a group of unnamed swamis, and from Gurumayi herself. These statements, coupled with SYDA's written answers to queries I have posed in recent months, produce a different version of the Ganeshpuri events, which confirms a number of Nityananda's contentions and disputes others. SYDA has been at pains throughout to prove that Nityananda is an inveterate liar; at one point they even showed me a videotape in which he talks about learning to lie as a schoolboy. Gurumayi stated that, because she was concerned that if Nityananda left the ashram "harm would befall him and others," she ordered the ashram gates locked. When she was told that he had keys to all the gates, she decided that "we'll have to do something more drastic; well have to slash the tires." She acknowledged his relative isolation in Muktananda's study but insisted that he was there of his own volition-"to contemplate what he lacked and why he had lost what he thought he had had"-and that he could come and go as he pleased. Gurumayi also confirmed the caning, though she described the cane as "a small walking stick" adding that "in my presence, he received a few slaps with it from the women he had abused, in addition to a few slaps from me." And while SYDA insists that Gurumayi never said anything like "He's not going to break down, is he?," Ganesh Irelan has confirmed to me that his frustration built to a point where he punched Nityananda; Gurumayi also noted that another man, a swami, was so frustrated he had to be restrained. The main point of contention is whether Nityananda submitted to all this of his own free will or was subdued and coerced, and if so, to what degree. SYDA maintains that he could freely come and go from Muktananda's quarters (if not from the ashram itself). Several ex-devotees recently told me, however, that they saw Nityananda escorted by an armed guard. In addition, the mother of Gurumayi and Nityananda, Devaki Shetty, who was in Ganeshpuri at the time and was allowed to prepare Nityananda's lunches, repeatedly approached Gurumayi to express her concern over Nityananda's treatment; Gurumayi, Mrs. Shetty says, eventually told her to "go jump in the river." She was so upset that she left the ashram, and for nearly a decade neither she nor her husband has been permitted to return there or to communicate in any way with their daughter. Nevertheless, it is clear that Nityananda himself was an active participant in the very ceremonies that defrocked him. His public announcements in 1985 seemed plainly to express a desire to step down. And he later wrote out a note in which he thanked Gurumayi for a "most amazing and revealing eighteen days"-those he spent isolated in Muktananda's study. Nityananda now says that he felt that he had lost his power to resist. His second oldest sister, Rani, whom I spoke with recently by phone, told me that when she and her husband were allowed to see him, on October 30th, he seemed unable to respond to them. "He wasn't acting like a fully conscious person." Even the Mahamandaleshwar, the cleric who gave his approval to Nityananda's ceremonial expulsion, is now of the opinion that Nityananda was forced to participate against his will. And although SYDA plays down the intensity of the caning, two people who caught a glimpse of Nityananda over the next two days recall that he had bruises on his arms. Several weeks later, when he spent time with leaders of a SYDA center in Germany, they saw scars on his arms, chest, and back. Still, in an interview Nityananda gave several weeks after the event, he denied that he had been mistreated. Shortly after the interview, Nityananda says, he slipped away from Gurumayi's entourage in Hawaii and got on a plane to California. As he was leaving, he wrote Gurumayi another note, in which he thanked her for her "patience and compassion" and for taking "great care" of him, and asked for her blessing. Nityananda now says that he was grateful that Gurumayi and her followers no longer seemed interested in berating or abusing him; moreover, he says, he hoped that the note would keep them from pursuing him any further. I have seen similar notes from other people who left SYDA in states of considerable distress. The overriding wish of the authors was to acknowledge gratitude for what they'd found in Siddha Yoga but also to stave off further trouble. An ex-swami named Paul Constantino, whom SYDA assigned to participate in a series of panels denigrating Nityananda, and who is now a teacher in Nityananda's programs and serves as an officer of the Shanti Mandir Corporation, told me recently that he, too, had written an appeasing note when he left. "I left because of the growing stultifying atmosphere of fear, of informers, of public confessions and Big Brotherness," he said. "But when I left, in 1987, I wrote Gurumayi a letter in which I asked for her blessing. I did it to keep her and George Atif off my back-absolutely." AFIF seemed to play a central role in the SYDA experience of many of the ex-devotees I spoke with. A thin, wiry man with an Omar Sharif mustache, he became a devotee of Muktananda in 1974, and was a regular at SYDA's ashram in Ann Arbor, Michigan. "He was a charming man in many ways, with a strong devotional bent, and he had some talent as an artist," one of the people who knew him in his Ann Arbor days said. "He did a nice sketch of Baba, and went on to do quite a bit of decorating for SYDA later on. But there was always a mysterious quality about him, a sense of something dangerous, even duplicitous. He was always talking about loyalty; it was a sacred word to him." Afif hung out with University of Michigan students, although the school's records do not show that he was ever registered there. Almost all the ex-devotees I spoke with consider Afif a man to be feared, and the most powerful person at the ashram after Gurumayi. Last winter, I attended an "exit counseling" session of an ex-SYDA devotee in which Afif's name came up repeatedly in a context of intimidation and sexual coercion. When the counselor, Steve Hassan, asked the young woman if Afif had been considered a kind of No. 2 in the organization, she responded, "It's more like a point five." When I asked Kathy Nash, the SYDA spokesperson, about Afif, she told me that for several years he had the "highly visible" job of helping people during darshan with Gurumayi, but that his only official role in the organization had been supervising some construction projects. She added, "Mr. Afif's perceived position was more the result of his personal charisma and high visibility than of actual authority invested in him." In 1983, Afif, who was married to a woman who also lived at the ashram, was charged with statutory rape and burglary in Santa Clara County, California. He pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor charge of statutory rape, and was sentenced to a suspended six-month jail term and three years' probation. Under California law, the conviction was expunged after he served his probation satisfactorily. The teen-age girl involved was the daughter of prominent SYDA followers, who afterward left the organization in disgust. A friend of the girl's family, William Carter, a well-known photojournalist and fine-arts photographer, also left telling Gurumayi in a letter that he had been appalled by the organization's treatment of the family and its tendency to resort to "dis-information" in times of crisis, and that he was cutting SYDA out of his will. Over the years, others have raised questions about Afif's sexual behavior. A couple who in 1982 closed the SYDA center they were running later discovered that Afif had been having a sexual relationship with their teen-age daughter. An Australian ex-devotee I talked with alleges that Afif had sex with her in Ganeshpuri, in the spring of 1982, when she was thirteen years old and theoretically under the supervision of an ashram guardian. Her experience had been similar to that of the woman whose exit counseling I witnessed: Afif, the Australian woman said, had got her alone under false pretenses and intimidated her into silence. SYDA says, regarding the California case, that it did not "condone Afif's behavior" and notes that he moved out of the ashram during the court proceedings. Others recall that during the months prior to his court appearances he was kept out of sight at the homes of various SYDA devotees. Nityananda says that he argued with his sister at the time that SYDA should dissociate itself from Afif he believes that Afif been his enemy ever since. Certainly Afif played a prominent role in the events surrounding Nityananda's removal as co-guru. He was present during the caning and, Nityananda says, warned him afterward that if anyone interfered with what was happening there would be dire consequences. During this period, various witnesses saw Afif carrying a gun. In light of the drastic reaction to Nityananda's broken vows of celibacy, Gurumayi's relationship with Afif invites scrutiny. Not long ago, I located an ex-devotee named Andrea Skeen, a psychiatric nurse, who in 1981 and 1982 served as Gurumayi's personal secretary and confidante. Skeen alleges that Gurumayi and Afif spent a night together just before Gurumayi took her vows and again after she had taken them. On the first occasion, in Ganeshpuri, Skeen says, she was asked to wait all night outside a one-room bungalow in which the two were staying. On the second occasion, according to Skeen, she and Gurumayi were sharing a room during an intensive at the Taj Mahal Hotel in Bombay. Gurumayi, she says, left after Skeen fell asleep, went to Afif's room, and didn't return until the next morning, when she confided to Skeen where she had been. Skeen, who had previously had several conversations with Gurumayi about her relationship with Afif, was aware of private letters that Afif and Gurumayi had sent to each other, and says she was eventually asked to collect all of Gurumayi's letters to Afif and destroy them. Whether the relationship was sexual or not only they can say, but it was close enough so that during late 1982 and early 1983 SYDA devotees began talking about it. Patti Kuboske, a family therapist who was a SYDA devotee for eighteen years and a swami for eight, and worked closely with Gurumayi and was deeply devoted to her, told me that she decided to inform Gurumayi about what was being said. Kuboske recalls that when she did bring the matter up Gurumayi stared at her in silence for a moment and then said, "You should know that nothing I could do would affect what I've been given." When I asked Kathy Nash if the relationship between Gurumayi and Afif was personal, she replied, "If by 'personal' you mean 'romantic'or 'sexual'...the allegation is wholly false; it does not contain even a grain of truth." Last spring, Kathy Nash told me that Afif was working on an ashram construction project. Several months ago, however, when I expressed interest in interviewing him, I was informed through a SYDA lawyer that he had "no present relationship at all with the foundation"; when I asked for his telephone number, I was told that "when we last heard from George Afif he advised us he was going to be traveling in the Far East, and we have no other information." Efforts to locate Afif independently have proved unavailing. In late March of 1986, five months after the Ganeshpuri events, a series of Nityananda-bashing panel presentations, presided over by swamis and inner-circle devotees, took place at a number of ashrams, including South Fallsburg. One former longtime devotee dates his decision to leave SYDA on the day he and his wife attended the first of the South Fallsburg panels. After each panel, devotees went back to their rooms to discuss what they had heard, and when he expressed doubt about what had happened-he had been especially dismayed by a swami's lurid description of Nityananda's sex life and by a video in which self-deprecating or foolish remarks made by Nityananda were edited together to make him look bad-he found himself "turned in" for having "negative feelings." He says it was fairly routine for those who expressed uncertainty about the whole Nityananda affair to be told solicitously, "We hear you're having problems." "It was always put in terms of you having the problem," this man said. " 'Wrong understanding' was the phrase they always used. There couldn't be anything wrong with what was happening. If was always, 'You have some sort of mental misfunction.' " Another ex-devotee, an artist who lives in Massachusetts, never returned to SYDA after attending a panel. When she got home, she wrote Gurumayi a letter objecting to what she had seen and heard. Gurumayi never answered her, but not long afterward the artist learned that George Afif was telling people that she was a cocaine dealer. EVENTUALLY, Nityananda decided that it was his vocation to be a spiritual teacher after all. He began giving programs both in India and abroad, financing his travels and expenses through donations from a few well-to-do followers and through the fees that he charged for his programs. In 1989, he renewed his vows of swamihood under the supervision of the Mahamandaleshwar, who gave him his blessing to continue his work. He says he also resumed a life of celibacy. In the spring of 1988, he moved to a small house in Livingston, New Jersey, which became his first residential center, two years later, he moved to the house in the Catskills. The house is rented to him for a dollar a year by one of his devotees. Its proximity to South Fallsburg may seem surprising, but after refusing the offer of the house for that reason for several years Nityananda became convinced that SYDA would be unlikely to bother him in its own back yard. (In fact, he has been bothered there only once: the day he gave his first program, about twenty picketers stood outside, carrying signs, taking photographs, and writing down the names of attendees.) Nowadays, Nityananda has a mailing list of two thousand friends and devotees, many of whom regularly take part in his programs. Those who attend the programs understand that to do so invites permanent banishment from SYDA. SYDA believes that Nityananda has never publicly accepted the consequences of his lapses from celibacy. Devotees who have continued to feel strong ties to both Gurumayi and Nityananda and have tried to visit them both have been ejected, often in a quite intimidating way, from SYDA's ashrams. Ever since Nityananda resumed his teaching, he has faced well-organized, aggressive picketing-similar to what greeted him at J.F.K.-throughout the United States, in Europe, and in India. Local press accounts and police files registering complaints against over enthusiastic picketers mark the trail of his travels. I have talked to dozens of witnesses who have attested to the harassment; it has included disruptions of his meetings by groups of people shouting obscenities, a physical assault on one of his followers, stalking of his devotees, reports of his supposedly bad behavior to the immigration authorities of two countries and the police of a third, and, on one occasion outside Boston, a murder threat. One of the nastier of these episodes took place in Ann Arbor, Michigan, on August 3 and 4, 1989. That Sunday's Ann Arbor News described it as "a protest against a religious leader that started Thursday night" and "erupted into violence Friday night." While Nityananda was teaching, the story went on to say, one of his followers was pushed down and kicked outside the house by four demonstrators. The four of them then kicked in a door to enter the residence, assaulted the swami and another follower, and threw bottles of skunk scent against the walls." A day earlier, according to witnesses, about fifty picketers had demonstrated across the street from the house where the programs were being held. The picketers had brought along large signs: "WE LOVE ANN ARBOR, KEEP YOUR FILTH OUT OF HERE," "FROM MONK TO SKUNK," and "RAPE AND LYING IS YOUR GAME, NITYANANDA AIN'T YOUR NAME." That evening, three men interrupted a program and shouted, "Hey, fatso, hey, fake guru!" and "There's the son of a bitch!" and then left, pouring skunk oil over the heads of two people standing by the door. The next night, sentries were posted; even so, two of the men from the night before, one of them wearing a wig, broke down the door. They kicked Nityananda's driver in the chest as he tried to shield his boss; once inside, they threw skunk oil on the guru and several others, and knocked down a disabled man with a cane who was trying to stop them. Earlier, devotees from SYDA's Ann Arbor ashram distributed leaflets that read "Warning!!! The man you are about to see is a fraud. We know-he deceived us and ruined our lives." SYDA has steadfastly maintained that those who demonstrate against Nityananda do so on their own initiative-out of a sense of betrayal-and at their own expense. It is certainly true that many devotees felt and continue to feel betrayed by Nityananda. But a former devotee who participated in the Ann Arbor picketing told me that he did so at George Afif's request. He was told that he should use his own car and money, and assumed that he'd be paid back for some expenses, though he never was; he added that when he returned to South Fallsburg afterward, Gurumayi smiled at him and said, "Skunk oil, ah!" Another ex-devotee said that while she was at the South Fallsburg ashram she was summoned to a meeting with a swami, an ashram official, and some eleven other devotees, and was pressured to participate in the Ann Arbor event. Since July of 1986, Gurumayi and Nityananda have neither seen nor spoken to one another. A few months ago, when I asked Nityananda why he thought his sister had turned against him, he took a while to answer. Finally, he said, "I just think she wanted the whole thing for herself, and she tried to come up with a way to do it-to have the whole organization, the devotees, the money, the power as a guru, solely, without having to share or have anything to do with me. If somehow we could have talked to each other, we could have worked it out-she could have had it. But I think that the fear that she had and still has-and so do her people-is that by Baba giving me the name he did, no matter what they say or do, somehow people will never forget me. And they haven't, because he gave me the name of his own guru." Nityananda claims to hope that some sort of familial reconciliation might still be possible. After the Ann Arbor encounter, he wrote his sister an impassioned letter, begging her to talk with him and help put an end to the violence. The letter said, in part, "Different disciples of the same Master have become Gurus [and have] remained friends and live in harmony. Why can't we do the same? ... I hope that you will read this personally and acknowledge that you have indeed received it. I pray so we can communicate with each other soon." Nityananda signed his letter "With all my love." Gurumayi didn't write back Instead, Nityananda received a letter from SYDA's general counsel, Mark Cohen, a lawyer based in Austin, Texas, protesting Nityananda's "irresponsible and characteristically inappropriate" accounts of harassment by people associated with SYDA. "An Indian will listen to his guru, nod his head, and go home and, even if he's a deeply religious person, ignore fifty per cent of what the guru has told him, because his own sense of the world tells him to do that," an Indian man who is well versed in Yogic culture said to me recently. But Westerners who jump heart first into a cloistered Indian subculture do not always find it easy to distinguish what is spiritual from what is Indian-or merely the whim of the guru. A couple of years ago, in an attempt to help SYDA run more efficiently and improve morale, an Australian devotee and organizational-development expert brought in one of several popular team-work problem-solving tools used by big corporations in the last decade. His was named Working Together, but is mostly remembered for the part of the program called Team Data Handling. According to several people who were around then, the program succeeded in giving staff members more input into the day-to-day decision-making process but did not address SYDA's more deep-seated problems, largely because, as one ex-devotee said, about the organization in general, "so many people are afraid of offending the guru and being dispossessed of their Shakti." It is obvious to anyone who spends much time around SYDA's devotees that the vast majority of them are far removed from the more hidden and controversial aspects of the organization's history. They chant, they meditate, they attend programs, they volunteer their time at the ashrams, and they work hard, in accordance with Siddha Yoga teachings, to push beyond their own particular limitations toward some experience of transcendence. The film director Andre Gregory told me that he is deeply grateful to Gurumayi and her swamis for showing him "a technique of prayer that is in the body..a physical way of experiencing God." Michael Karlin, a SYDA trustee who is a senior partner in a large, successful accounting firm in Los Angeles and recently flew to New York to express the foundation's concerns about this article before it went to press, was undoubtedly speaking for thousands of his fellow-devotees when he said that "the greatest personal experiences in my life I've had through Siddha Yoga." Karlin, an attractive, soft-voiced man of forty, spoke with pride of the quality and integrity of his fellow devotees and the integrity of the organization he has been connected with for twelve years. However, when the conversation tuned to the subject of Nityananda (whom he has never met), his voice became charged with anger. Asked why, nearly a decade after the break, SYDA devotees still dog Nityananda's tracks, he said, "These people have been deeply, deeply hurt by his actions." But even if one accepts SYDA's own version of its history as a tale of two perfect beings whose tradition has been sullied by an all-but-demonic transgressor-one has to wonder why so little effort appears to have been put into the task of overcoming the rage directed toward Nityananda and moving on. In other contexts, that is what SYDA teachers advise devotes to do all the time. In fact, my own experience with SYDA has in a modest way confirmed some of the things ex-devotes complained about. I have been told repeatedly of the harm I would cause by writing negative things about a "pure path"; quiet efforts were made to discredit me with my editors; a barrage of accusatory letters arrived from a SYDA lawyer questioning, before he had even read the story, my integrity as a journalist and the motives of this magazine; and, this summer, the co-chairman and co-founder of a well-known Madison Avenue advertising agency visited the magazine's offices to express his displeasure and to warn that there were "many prominent, many powerful people who are going to be hurt by this piece." The righteous rage of defenders of the faith is, of course, a familiar theme in the history of religion, as are the endless battles over questions of legitimacy when charismatic spiritual leaders die. If the traditions upon which SYDA draws are ancient, so too is the sort of animosity it has spawned. Several months ago, I asked SYDA in a letter how it was possible for so farseeing and enlightened a leader as Muktananda to have made such a bad mistake (from their point of view) in his choice of successor. The answer was "Would you consider asking a Catholic priest the question: 'If Jesus was who he said he was, how could he have picked Judas Iscariot as a disciple?'" SYDA insists that Gurumayi is the sole repository of Muktananda's wisdom and power. Nityananda, excommunicated from SYDA guruhood, nonetheless stakes his own, nonexclusive claim to successorship, and believes that, despite his youthful transgressions, what was given to him cannot be withdrawn or lost. Thus are schisms born. But belief in a perfect master or an incontrovertible spiritual dogma is always fraught with danger. Michael Karlin's assertion at our meeting that "the Siddha Yoga teachings cannot be challenged: the truth is the truth" goes to the heart of religious belief itself. If, over the centuries, the longing for a world in which, as Blake put it, everything would be perceived as infinite once the doors of perception were cleansed has enlarged countless lives, it has frequently left behind as a casualty a prudent acknowledgment of ordinary human fallibility. From the New Yorker, November 14, 1994 From the Coevolution Quarterly, 1983 - The Secret Life of Swami Muktananda, by W. Rodarmor Them are few things sadder than a good guru gone bad. The cynics among us may object that a “good guru” is a contradiction in terms and certainly the spectacle of corrupt and authoritarian cults in recent years has cast a pall over the role of spiritual teachers. Nevertheless I'm willing to maintain that a significant amount of wisdom and compassionate works have proceeded from various gurus and their followers, and I resist the impulse to write off the whole bunch as charlatans and power-trippers From all indication Swami Muktananda helped thousands of people in his day - a fact that even disillusioned ex-devotees don't dispute. However, the last few years of his life saw a proliferation of abuses which are only now coming to light. William Rodarmor; a former lawyer, park ranger, wilderness trip leader and presently a graduate student at the University of California at Berkeley journalism school has spent months interviewing former and current followers of Muktananda for this investigative article. CQ independently contacted his major sources and confirmed the authenticity of their quotes and allegations. -Jay Kinney The Secret Life of Swami Muktananda by William Rodarmor Illustrated by Matthew Wuerker “There is no deity superior to the Guru, no gain better than the Guru's grace ... no state higher than meditation on the Guru.” -Muktananda ON THE American consciousness circuit, Baba Muktananda was known as the “guru's guru,” one of the most respected meditation masters ever to come out of India. Respected, that is, until now. When Baba Ram Dass introduced him to the U.S. in 1970. Muktananda was still largely unknown. Thanks to Muktananda's spiritual power, his Siddha meditation movement quickly took root in the fertile soil of the American growth movement. By the time he died of heart failure in October 1982, Muktananda's followers had built him 31 ashrams, or meditation centers, around the world. When crowds saw Muktananda step from a black limousine to a waiting Lear jet, it was clear that the diminutive, orange-robed Indian was an American-style success. At various times, Jerry Brown, Werner Erhard, John Denver, Marsha Mason, James Taylor, Carry Simon, astronaut Edgar Mitchell, and Meg Christian have all been interested in Muktananda's movement. The media coordinator at the large Oakland, California, ashram is former Black Panther leader Erika Huggins. Baba Muktananda said he was a Siddha, the representative of a centuries-old Hindu lineage. According to his official biography, he wandered across India as a young man, going from teacher to teacher, living the chaste, austere life of a monk. In Ganeshpuri, near Bombay, he became the disciple of Nityananda, a Siddha guru of awesome yogic powers. After years of meditation, Muktananda experienced enlightenment. When Nityananda died in 1960, Muktananda said the guru passed the Siddha mantle to him on his deathbed, though some of Nityananda's followers in India dispute the claim. When Muktananda himself died, a sympathetic press still saw him as a spiritual Mr. Clean, and his two successors, a brother-sister team of swamis, continue to draw thousands of people searching for higher consciousness. To most of his followers, Muktananda was a great master. But to others, he was a man unable to live up to the high principles of his own teachings. “When we first approach a Guru,” Muktananda wrote, “we should carefully examine his qualities and his actions. He should have conquered desire and anger and banished infatuation from his heart.” For many, that was a warning that was understood too late. Some of Muktananda's most important former followers now charge that the guru repeatedly violated his vow of chastity, made millions of dollars from his followers' labors: and allowed guns and violence in his ashrams. The accusations have been denied by the swamis who took over his movement after the master died. In the course of preparing this story, I talked with 25 present and former devotees; most of the interviews are on tape. Some people would only talk to me if promised anonymity, and some are bitter at what they feel was Muktananda's betrayal of their trust. All agree that Muktananda was a man of unusual power. They differ over the ways he used it. "I don't have sex for the same reason you do: because it feels so good." -Muktananda IN HIS teachings, Muktananda put a lot of emphasis on sex - most of it negative. Curbing the sex drive released the kundalini energy that led to enlightenment, he said. The swami himself claimed to be completely celibate. Members of the guru's inner circle, however, say Muktananda regularly had sex with his female devotees. Michael Dinga, an Oakland contractor who was head of construction for the ashram and a trustee of the foundation, said the guru's sexual exploits were common knowledge in the ashram. “It was supposed to be Muktananda's big secret,” said Dinga, “but since many of the girls were in their early to middle teens, it was hard to keep it secret.” A young woman I am calling “Mary” said the guru seduced her at the main American ashram at South Fallsburg, New York, in 1981. Mary was in her early twenties at the time. Muktananda was 73. At South Fallsburg, Muktananda used to stand behind a curtain in the evening, watching the girls coming back to the dormitory. He asked Mary to come to his bedroom several times, and gave her gifts of money and jewelry. Finally, she did. When he then told her to undress, she was shocked, but she obeyed. “He had a special area which I assume he used for his sexual affairs. It was similar to a gynecologist's table, but without the stirrups.” (To his later chagrin, Michael Dinga realized he had built the table himself.) “He didn't have an erection,” Mary said, “but he inserted about as much as he could. He was standing up, and his eyes were rolled up to the ceiling. He looked as if he was in some sort of ecstasy.” When the session was over, Muktananda ordered the girl to come back the next day, and added, “Don't wear underwear.” On the first night, Muktananda had tried to convince Mary she was being initiated into tantric yoga - the yoga of sex. The next night, he didn't bother. “It was like 'Okay, you're here, take off your clothes. get on the table and let's do it.' Just very straight, hard, cold sex.” Mary told two people about what had happened to her. Neither was exactly surprised. Michael's wife Chandra was disturbed. Chandra was probably the most important American in the movement. As head of food services, she saw Muktananda daily, and knew what was going on. “Whoever was in his kitchen was in some way molested,” she said. A girl I'll call “Nina” used to work for Chandra. One day, the guru remarked to her in Hindi, “Sex with Nina is very good.” Nina's mother was later made a swami. Chandra said she had rationalized the guru's having sex in the past, but was dismayed to learn it had happened Lo her young friend Mary. Aware of Muktananda's power over people who were devoted to him, she saw it as a form of rape. The other person Mary confided in was Malti, Muktananda's longtime translator. Mary said Malti wasn't surprised when she told her about being seduced by the aged guru. “She told me people had been coming to her with this for years and years,” Mary said. “She was caught in the middle.” Malti and her brother, who have taken the names Chidvilasananda and Nityananda, are the movement's new leaders. Another of Muktananda's victims was a woman I'll call “Jennifer.” She says Muktananda raped her at the main Indian ashram at Ganeshpuri in the spring of 1978. He ordered Jennifer to come to his bedroom late one night, and told her to take her clothes off. “I was in shock,” she said, “but over the years, I had learned you never say no to anything that he asked you to do....” Muktananda had intercourse with Jennifer for an hour, she said, and was quite proud of the fact. “He kept saying, `Sixty minutes,'” she said. “He claimed he was using the real Indian positions, not the westernized ones used in America.” While he had sex, the guru felt like conversing, but Jennifer found she couldn't say a word. “The main thing he wanted to know was how old I was when I first got my period. I answered something, and he said, `That's good, you're a pure girl.'” Devastated by the event, Jennifer made plans to leave the ashram as soon as possible, but Muktananda continued to be interested in her. “He used to watch me getting undressed through the keyhole,” she said. She would open the door and see the guru outside “I became rather scared of him, because he kept coming to my room at night.” Both women said the Ganeshpuri ashram was arranged to suit Muktananda's convenience. “He had a secret passageway from his house to the young girls' dormitory,” Mary said. “Whoever he was carrying on with, he had switched to that dorm.” The guru often visited the girls' dormitory while they were undressing. “He would come up anytime he wanted to” Jennifer said, “and we would just giggle. In the early days, I never thought of him as having sexual desires. He was the guru...” Mary knew otherwise: she talked with at least eight other young girls who had sex with Muktananda. “I knew that he had girls marching in and out of his bedroom all night long,” she said. While his followers were renovating a Miami hotel in 1979, Muktananda slept on the women's floor, and ordered that the youngest be put in the rooms closest to his, and the older ones down the hall. “You always knew who he was carrying on with,” said Chandra. “They came down the next day with a new gold bracelet or a new pair of earrings.” Around the ashram, said Mary, people knew that “anyone who had jewelry was going to his room a lot.” For a time, Muktananda's followers found ways to rationalize his behavior. He wasn't really penetrating his victims, they said. Or he wasn't ejaculating - an important distinction to some, since retaining the semen was supposed to be a way of conserving the kundalini energy. Ultimately, Chandra felt it didn't make any difference. “If you're going to be celibate, and you're going to preach celibacy, you don't put it in halfway, and then pull it out. You live what you preach...” After years of repressing their growing doubts about Muktananda, Michael and Chandra finally drew the line when they learned he was molesting a 13-year-old girl. She had been entrusted to the ashram by her parents, and was being cared for by Muktananda's laundress and chauffeur. The laundress “told me Baba was doing things to her,” said Chandra. “I think he was probing around in her.” The laundress suggested it was only “Baba's way of loving her,” but Chandra was appalled. Charges of sex against Muktananda continued. In 1981, one of Muktananda's swamis, Stan Trout, wrote an open letter accusing his guru of molesting little girls on the pretext of checking their virginity. The letter caused a stir, but word didn't go beyond the ashram. In a “Memo from Baba,” Muktananda merely answered that “devotees should know the truth by their own experience, not by the letters that they receive... You should be happy that I'm still alive and healthy and that they haven't tried to hang me.” “Wretched is he who cannot observe discipline and restraint even in an ashram.” -Muktananda I N THE first of his eight years with Muktananda, Yale dropout Richard Grimes said he was “in a funny kind of grace period, where you're so involved with the beginning of inner life that you don't really notice what is going on.” But then he started seeing things that didn't jibe with his idea of a meditation retreat. “Muktananda had a ferocious temper,” said Grimes, “and would scream or yell at someone for no seeming reason.” He saw the guru beating people on many occasions. “In India, if peasants were caught stealing a coconut from his ashram, Muktananda would often beat them,” Grimes said. The people in the ashram thought it was a great honor to be beaten by the guru. No one asked the peasants' opinion. Muktananda's ubiquitous valet, Noni Patel, was a regular target of his master's wrath. While on tour in Denver, Noni came down to the kitchen to be treated for a strange wound in his side. “At first, he wouldn't say how he had gotten it,” Grimes' wife Lotte recalled. “Later it came out that Baba had stabbed him with a fork.” When ex-devotees talked about strong-arm tactics against devotees, the names of two people close to Muktananda kept coming up. One was David Lynn, known as Sripati, an ex-Marine Vietnam vet. The other was Joe Don Looney, an ex-football player with a reputation for troublemaking on the five NFL teams he played for, and a criminal record. They were known as the “enforcers”; Muktananda used them to keep people in line. On the guru's orders, Sripati once picked a public fight with then-swami Stan Trout at the South Fallsburg ashram. He came down from Boston, where Muktananda was staying, and punched Trout to the ground without provocation. Long-time devotee Abed Simli saw the attack, but figured Sripati had just flipped out. Michael Dinga knew otherwise. Muktananda had phoned him the morning before the beating, and told him Trout's ego was getting too big, and that he was sending Sripati to set him straight. Dinga, a big man, was instructed not to interfere. In India, Dinga and a man called Peter Polivka witnessed Muktananda's valet Noni Patel give a particularly brutal beating to a young follower: A German boy in his twenties, whom Dinga described as “obviously in a disturbed state” had started flailing around during a meditation intensive. The German was hauled outside, put under a cold shower, stripped naked, and laid out on a concrete slab behind the ashram. Dinga said the German just sat in a full lotus position, and tried to steel himself against what happened next. Noni Patel took a rubber hose, a foot-and-a-half long, and beat and questioned the boy for thirty minutes while a large black man called Hanuman held him. “They were full-strength blows,” said Dinga, “and they raised horrible welts on the boy's body.” There exists a long tradition in the East of masters beating their students. Tibetan and Zen Buddhist stories am full of sharp blows that stop the students rational minds long enough for them to become enlightened. Couldn't that have been what Muktananda was doing? “It could be seen that way,” said Richard Grimes. “For years we thought that every discrepancy was because he lived outside the laws of morality. He could do anything he wanted. That in itself is the biggest danger of having a perfect master lead any kind of group - there's no safeguard.” Chandra Dinga said that as Muktananda's power grew, he ignored normal standards of behavior. “He felt he was above and beyond the law,” she said. “It went from roughing people up who didn't do what he wanted, to eventually, at the end, having firearms.” Though the ashrams were meditation centers, a surprising number of people in them had guns. Chandra saw Noni's gun, Muktananda's successor Subash's gun, and the shotgun Muktananda kept in his bedroom. Others saw guns in the hands of “enforcer” Sripati and ashram manager Yogi Ram. The manager of the Indian ashram showed Richard Grimes a pistol that had been smuggled into India for his use. One devotee opened a paper bag in an ashram vehicle in Santa Monica, and found ammunition in it. A woman who ran the ashram bakery for many years said she knew some people had guns, but that it never bothered her. The Santa Monica ashram, for example, was in a very rough neighborhood, she said, and the guns were strictly for protection. “In an ashram, one should not fritter one's precious time in a precious place on eating and drinking, sleeping, gossiping and talking idly.” -Muktananda BY ALL accounts, devotees in the ashrams worked hard under trying conditions. In India, they were isolated from their culture. Even in the American ashrams, close friendships were frowned on, and Muktananda strongly discouraged devotees from visiting their families. A woman I'm calling “Sally” used to get up for work at 3:30 a.m. She said her day was spent in work, chanting, meditation, and silence. “Some days, you couldn't talk to anyone all day long. I would get very lonely.” Recorded chants were often played over loudspeakers. Even a woman who is still close to the movement admitted that “the long hours were a drag.” Though he was Muktananda's right-hand man for construction, Michael Dinga worked “under incredible schedules with ridiculous budgets,” putting in the same hours as his crew. In the six-and-a-half years he was with the ashram, he said he had a total of two weeks off. As time went on, Dinga came to be bothered by what he saw as exploitation: “I saw the way people were manipulated, how they would work in all sincerity and all devotion [with] no idea that they were being laughed at and taken advantage of.” “Even a penny coming as a gift should be regarded as belonging to God and religion.” -Muktananda MUKTANANDA'S movement was both a spiritual and a financial success. Once Siddha meditation caught on, said Chandra Dinga, “money poured into the ashram.” Particularly lucrative were the two-day “meditation intensives” given by Muktananda, and now by his successors. Today, an intensive led by the two new gurus costs $200. (Money orders or cashier's checks only, please. No credit cards or personal checks.) An intensive given in Oakland in May 1983 drew 1200 participants, and people had to be turned away. At $200 a head, Chidvilasananda and Nityananda's labors earned the ashram nearly a quarter of a million dollars in a single weekend. There was always a lot of secrecy around ashram affairs, Lotte Grimes remarked. During Muktananda's lifetime, that secrecy applied to money matters with a vengeance. The number of people who came to intensives, for example, was a secret even from the devotees. Simple multiplication would tell anyone how much money was coming in. And when Richard Grimes set up a restaurant at the Oakland ashram, he said Muktananda “had a fit” when he found out that Grimes had been keeping his own records of the take. Food services head Chandra Dinga said the restaurants in the various ashrams were always big money-makers, where devotees worked long hours for free. On tour during the summer, she said, they would feed over a thousand people, and bring in three thousand dollars in cash a day. Sally said that a breakfast that sold for two dollars actually cost the ashram about three cents. Donations further fattened the coffers. if somebody important was coming to the ashram, Chandra's job was to try and get them to give a feast and to make a large donation. $1500 to $3000 was considered appropriate “There was just a constant flow of money into his pockets,” said Chandra, “it let him get whatever he wanted to get, and let him buy people.” Muktananda himself was said to have been very attached to money. “For years, he catered only to those who were wealthy,” said Richard Grimes. “He spent all the time outside of his public performances seeing privately anyone who had a lot of money.” A parade of Mercedes-Benzes used to drive up to the Ganeshpuri ashram with rich visitors, said Grimes. In Oakland, Lotte Grimes saw Malti order a list drawn up of everybody in the ashram who had money, to arrange private interviews with Muktananda, by his orders. Devotees, on the other hand, had to get by on small stipends, if they got anything. Chandra Dinga, despite her status as head of food services, never got more than $100 a month. Devotees with less prestige were completely dependent on the guru's generosity. Sally once cried for two days when she broke her glasses, knowing she would have to beg Muktananda for another pair. How much money did Muktananda amass from his efforts? Even the officers of the foundation that ostensibly ran Muktananda's affairs never knew for sure. Michael Dinga was a foundation trustee, and used to cosign for deposits to the ashram's Swiss bank accounts, but the amounts on the papers were always left blank. In 1977, however, he got a hint. Ron Friedland, the president of the foundation, told Dinga that Muktananda had 1.3 million dollars in Switzerland. Three years later, Muktananda told Chandra it was more like five million. “And then he laughed, and said, `There's more than that.'” A woman called Amma, who was Muktananda's companion for more than twenty years, told the Dingas that all the accounts were in the names of Muktananda's eventual successors, Chidvilasananda and Nityananda. Michael and Chandra Dinga finally quit the ashram in December 1980. They had served Muktananda for a combined total of sixteen-and-a-half years, and had risen to positions of real importance. Both knew exactly how the ashram operated. Together, they went to Muktananda to tell him why they wanted to leave. The guru wasn't pleased. To get the Dingas to stay, Muktananda called on everything he thought would stir them. He offered them a car, a house, and money. When that failed, he started to weep. “You're my blood, my family,” he said. Then Muktananda abruptly changed tack. “You've come on an inauspicious day,” he said. “I can't give you my blessing.” Next morning, he called Chandra on the public intercom and said she could leave immediately. After they left, the Dingas say they were denounced by the guru, and their lives threatened. “Muktananda claimed he had thrown us out because Chandra was a whore” said Dinga, “that she was having sex with the young boys who worked in the restaurant. Later he said I had a harem. In other words, he was accusing us of all the things he was doing himself.” Muktananda also claimed that none of the buildings Michael had built were any good. When one of Michael's crew stood up for him, he was threatened physically. Leaving all their friends behind in the ashram, the Dingas moved to the San Francisco area, but Muktananda's enmity followed them. Their doorbell and telephone started ringing at odd hours, and Michael saw the "enforcers" running away from their door one night. A cruel hoax was played on Chandra. Someone followed her when she took her cat to the vet, then phoned the vet's office with a message that her husband had been in a bad accident. Chandra waited frantically at Berkeley's Alta Bates Hospital for three quarters of an hour, only to learn that Michael was at work, unhurt. Death threats started to reach the Dingas toward the end of April 1981, six months after they had left the ashram. On May 7, Sripati and Joe Don Looney visited Lotte Grimes at her job in Emeryville with a frightening piece of information: “Tell Chandra this is a message from Baba: Chandra only has two months to live.” Another ex-follower said he got a similar message: If the Dingas didn't keep quiet, acid would be thrown in Chandra's face; Michael would be castrated. The Grimeses and the Dingas reported the threats to the police. The Dingas hired a lawyer. The threats stopped soon after Berkeley police officer Clarick Brown called on the Oakland ashram, but Chandra was badly frightened. Some ex-followers still are. Michael and Chandra's departure sparked a small exodus from the ashram. Some of the ex-followers began to meet and compare notes on their experiences in the ashram. “We were amazed and rejuvenated,” said Richard Grimes. “We got more energy from learning he was a con man than we ever did thinking he was a real person.” Just the same, the devotees who left the ashram are still dealing with the damage done to their lives. Michael and Chandra's marriage broke up, as did Sally's. Michael is only now coming out of a period of depression and emptiness. Richard and Lotte Grimes are bitter at having wasted years of their lives in the ashram. Stan Trout still considers Muktananda a great yogi, but a tragically flawed man. Chandra Dinga has taken years to come to terms with her experience with Muktananda; “Your whole frame of reference becomes askew,” she said. “What you would normally think to be right or wrong no longer has any place. The underlying premise is that everything the guru does is for your own good. The guru does no wrong. When I finally realized that everything he did was not for our own good, I had to leave.” Muktananda's two successors were at the Oakland ashram in May and I asked Swami Chidvilasananda about the accusations against her guru. To her knowledge, did Muktananda have sex with women in the ashram? “Not as far as I saw,” she said carefully. What about the charge that Muktananda had sex with young girls? “Those girls never came to us,” Chidvilasananda said. “And we never saw it, we only heard it when Chandra talked to everybody else.” Chidvilasananda also denied that there was a bank account in Switzerland. When asked about the ashram's finances, she said that all income was put back into facilities. “We are a break-even proposition,” the new leader said. As for the alleged beatings, she said that Americans had their own ways of doing things. She said, “You can't blame the guru, because the guru doesn't teach that.” Why then, I asked, do the other ex-devotees I talked with support the Dingas in their charges? Chidvilasananda replied, “I'm very glad they gave you a very nice story to cover themselves up and I want to tell you I don't want to get into this story because I know their story, too, and I do not want to say anything about it.” When I said, “You have a chance to tell us whether or not you think these are accurate charges, falsehoods, or delusions,” Malti's answer was: “I'm not going to probe into people's minds and try to find out what the truth is.” Two swamis and a number of present followers also said the charges were not true. Others say they simply don't believe them. On the subject of money, foundation chief Ed Oliver conceded in an October 1, l983, interview with the Los Angeles Times that there is a Swiss account with 1.5 million dollars in it. And when I repeated Swami Chidvilasananda's denials about women complaining to her, Mary, the woman who says the guru seduced her in South Fallsburg, said, “Well, that's an out-and-out lie.” “The sins committed at any other place are destroyed at a holy centre, but those committed at a holy centre stick tenaciously - it is difficult to wash them away.” -Muktananda THIS IS a story of serious accusations made against a spiritual leader who is still prayed to and revered by thousands. Even his detractors say Muktananda gave them a great deal in the beginning. “He put out a force field around him,” said Michael Dinga. “You could palpably feel the force coming off him. It gave me the feeling I had latched onto something that would answer my questions.” Former devotees say Muktananda's eyes had a kind of light; when they first met the guru, he radiated love and benevolence. He also had a way of making his devotees feel special. “I think he liked me so much because I wasn't taken by all the visions and the sounds,” said Chandra, “that I understood that having an experience of God was something much more substantial and more ordinary.” Chandra still feels that spirituality is the most important thing in her life. She says the gradual unfolding of the dark side of her guru's personality chipped away at her love and respect. “When you have a loved one you never dream that he might hurt you. At the end, I was devastated.” Yet despite the unsavory conclusion to her ten years with the swami, Chandra still notes, “if I had it to do over again, I still wouldn't trade the experience for anything in the world.” In a way, the sex, the violence, and the corruption aren't the real point. Muktananda's personal shortcomings were bad enough, explained Michael Dinga, but “the worst of it was that he wasn't who he said he was.” A person can make spiritual progress under a corrupt master, just as placebos can actually make you feel better. But how far can a person really grow spiritually under a master who doesn't himself live the truth? There was a tremendous split between what Muktananda preached and what he did, and his hypocrisy only made it worse. His successors are now in a dilemma: If they admit their guru's sins, Chidvilasananda and Nityananda lose their god-figure. and weaken their claim to a lineage of perfect masters. But if they don't, people who come to them looking for truth are courting disappointment. Stan Trout, formerly Swami Abhayananda, served Muktananda for ten years as a teacher and ashram director. He left in 1981. “My summary withdrawal from Muktananda's organization was also a withdrawal from what I had considered my fraternal family, my friends, and able all, my life's work,” he wrote us. He sent this open letter after reading a draft of “The Secret Life of Swami Muktananda,” in which he is quoted. - Art Kleiner Letter From a Former Swami by Stan Trout I'd like to add this letter, if possible, as an appendix to the article on Muktananda by William Rodarmor. It is a statement of my thoughts and opinions of Muktananda after two years of deep deliberation following my discovery of his `secret life'. When I left Muktananda's service, I did so because I had just learned of the threatening action he had taken against some of his long-time devotees who had recently left his service. He had sent two of his body-guards to deliver threats to two young married women who had been speaking to other women who had been speaking to others of Muktananda's sexual liaisons with a number of young girls in his ashram. It was immediately clear to me that I could not represent a guru who was not only taking sexual advantage of his female devotees but was threatening with bodily harm those who revealed the truth about him. However, after I had left Muktananda and had made the reasons for my departure known to others still in his service, another issue came to light for me, teaching me something not only about Muktananda's, but about the nature of the organization and all other such organizations in which the leader is regarded as infallible by his followers, and is therefore obeyed implicitly. When Chandra and Michael Dinga and later myself realized the truth about Muktananda and his secret sex life, there was absolutely no means available to present the evidence for a fair hearing or judgment. There was no recourse but to leave, for the guru was the sole appeal, and he was as accustomed to lying as he was to breathing. Yet his word was regarded by followers as so absolutely final that when each of us left and were branded “demons” by him, not a single soul among those who had been our brother and sister devotees for ten years questioned or objected, but unamimouly rejected us outright as the demented infidels he said we were. One has only to observe the way each of us who discovered the guru's secret life were treated by our former comrades to understand the power for evil inherent in any relationship based on the infallibility of the leader and the unquestioned obedience of the subjects... It is clear to me that not only had the girls with whom Muktananda practiced his sexual diversions committed acts to which they had given no moral or rational consent, but so had the men who were ordered to threaten them with violence, and so had I myself when I had followed Muktananda's orders to express to others opinions which I did not sincerely hold. It is a sad but perennial phenomenon: Out of a love for truth and for those who teach it and appear to embody it, we unwittingly set ourselves up for exploitation and betrayal. Our mistake is to deify another being and attribute perfection to him. From that point on everything is admissible. I think the lesson to be learned is that we simply cannot afford to relinquish our individual sovereignty - whether it be in a socio-political setting or in a religious congregation. Those who willingly put aside their own autonomy, their own moral judgment, to obey even a Christ, a Buddha, or a Krishna, do so at risk of losing a great deal more than they can hope to gain. About Muktananda himself I have thought a great deal. There is no doubt in my mind that he was an extraordinarily enlightened, learned, and articulate man who possessed a singular power, a dynamic personal radiance and charisma that drew people to him and inspired them to lay their lives at his feet. Surely such a power is divine; yet there is no way to justify the way in which he used this power. If God himself were to behave in this way, we would have to find him guilty of flagrant disregard for the law of love. Some may say, `He did no worse than any of us have done, or would do if we could.' And I would answer, `No; he did worse than any of use have done or would have done in his place. For, though he was only human like the rest of us, he staged a deliberate campaign of deceit to convince gentle souls that he had transcended the limitations of mankind, that through realizing the eternal Self, he had attained holy “perfection.” He planted and nourished false, impossible dreams in the hears of innocent, faithful souls and sacrificed them to his sport. With malicious glee, he cunningly stole from hundreds of trusting souls their hearts and wills, their self-trust, their very sanity, their very lives. No ordinary, good person could do this, no matter how he tried; his heart and conscience would not allow it. Like all of us, Muktananda was only human. And, like all men who worship power, he was inevitably corrupted and destroyed by it. His power could not save him from the weakness of the flesh, nor from the wickedness and depravity that servitude to it brings. He ended as a feeble-minded sadistic tyrant, luring devout little girls to his bed every night with promises of grace and self-realization. Muktananda's claim of “perfection” (Siddha-hood) was based on the notion that a person who has become enlightened has thereby also become “perfect” and absolutely free of human weakness. This is nonsense; it is a myth perpetrated by dishonest men who wish to receive the reverence and adoration due God alone. There is no absolute assurance that enlightenment necessitates the moral virtue of a person. There is no guarantee against the weakness of anger, lust, and greed in the human soul. The enlightened are on an equal footing with the ignorant in the struggle against their own evil - the only difference being that the enlightened person knows the truth, and has no excuse for betraying it. Throughout history there have been many enlightened souls who have been thought great, who, in the pride of their perfection and freedom, have imagined themselves to be beyond the constraints of God's laws, and who have thus fallen from love and lost the glory the once had. Those glorious Babas and Bhagwans, thinking to build their kingodm here on earth upon the ruins of the young souls devoted to them, often succeed for a time in fooling many and in gathering a large and festive following, but their deeds also follow them and proclaim their truth long after the paeans of praise have been sung and wafted away on the air. “God is not mocked”; there is no freedom, no liberation, from His law of love, nor from His inescapable justice. It is indeed often those very persons who have thought themselves most perfect, most free and ungoverned, who have fallen most grievously; and their piteous fall is an occasion for great sadness, and should serve as a clear reminder of caution to us all. From "The CoEvolution Quarterly" Winter 1983 Letter from Center's Office, dated 23 April 1986 Editor's Note: This is a copy of a letter sent by the SYDA Foundation Center's Office, dated April 23, 1986. It was sent to all Center Leaders and Siddha Yoga Teachers. We reproduce it here unedited. =OM GURU OM= April 23, 1986 Dear Center Leader, People have probably come to you with questions about the recent events in Siddha Yoga. We thought it would be useful for you to have the basic information you need to answer those questions. Enclosed you will find a four-page outline which covers the main events surrounding Venkateshwar's retirement and his recent claims to the throne, as well as a few of the most frequently asked questions. . It is just for the Siddha Yoga teachers and Center Leaders so that you are prepared to deal with people's questions. We hope that you have also attended one of the panels and read Gurumayi's letter carefully, because the information enclosed is not complete. If you have any questions or difficulties with this matter please do not hesitate to call the Centers Office. Sincerely yours, The Centers Office =OM GURU OM= Information for Centers concerning Venkateshwar In November, 1985, the former Swami Nityananda announced that he was retiring from his position as Guru of the Siddha lineage. He met with the Trustees, and, over a period of several hours, convinced them that Baba had told him that he would sit on the chair for only three years. The three years were up. On November 10, 1985, he made public this information. During this time, also, after a two-hour argument, he persuaded the Mahamandaleshwar that he should be relieved of his vows of sannyasa. He took the name Venkateshwar Rao and declared himself a devotee of Gurumayi's and appeared to be sincere for a time. In December, 1985, Venkateshwar gave a public talk in which he denied his brother-in-law's charges that he had been abducted and coerced into retiring. In January, 1986, when he left Hawaii he wrote Gurumayi a sweet letter expressing gratitude for the compassion she had shown him. Venkateshwar's retirement was obviously voluntary, and yet he has recently charged in a newspaper interview that he was coerced (despite earlier protests that he was not). He also announced that he will try to resume the position of Siddha Guru. Many people ask why Gurumayi did not reveal this information to us before. Gurumayi wanted Venkateshwar Rao to be able to leave the Guru's seat with dignity, out of respect for the seat and in order to avoid disturbing the minds and hearts of devotees unnecessarily. However, his recent actions make it necessary to disclose the facts which led to his voluntary retirement. There are well documented facts about Venkateshwar's life-style which inevitably resulted in his retirement as a Siddha Guru. As Gurumayi has said, a Guru, above all people, must observe the laws of dharma and be completely surrendered to the divine will for which he or she has been chosen as a vehicle. Venkateshwar knew this and knew that his past actions had destroyed whatever Baba had given him. This was the primary reason for which he decided he had to leave the Guru's seat. You should be very clear that the following facts are not derived from hearsay or gossip but are supported by sworn affadavits, documents in Venkateshwar's own handwriting, and video-tapes of his own talks. 1. Venkateshwar's private life-style was not that of someone who was dedicating his life to others' upliftment. He pursued sense pleasures, rode around in cars for hours on end, played with all kinds of expensive toys late into the night, and even, occasionally, visited casinos and discos. He did not apply himself to carrying out Baba's work. 2. Venkateshwar had an attitude of disobedience to Baba in many areas. Baba told him not to play the drums: he played them frequently. Baba told him not to drive cars: he drove them constantly and had serious accidents. Baba told him to remain celibate: he repeatedly broke that command. Baba told him to study the scriptures: he did not carry out this command. 3. Venkateshwar himself expressed serious doubts about his own Guruhood to Gurumayi on at least three occasions. He repeatedly stated, publicly and privately, that he did not want to be a Guru. 4. Venkateshwar proved to be indifferent to his own devotees, and betrayed a number of them. For example, one swami who served Venkateshwar closely spoke with him about a relationship he was involved in. Venkateshwar later denied he had been told the details of this relationship. When confronted with this matter, Venkateshwar wanted to get rid of this swami and kick him out of the Ashram. Due to Gurumayi's compassion, this swami was allowed to stay and do sadhana in the Ashram as a devotee. 5. Venkateshwar did not fulfill his dharma as a Guru or a swami in the relationships he had with women. He broke his vows of celibacy and at the same time misled a number of women devotees including married women and two women swamis. Also, he made a girl pregnant and asked her to have an abortion. 6. Venkateshwar was arranging to have a book written about his life. The author was to talk about Venkateshwar as an incarnation of Bhagawan Nityananda. Venkateshwar admitted, when asked about the book, that he didn't really believe this, but was using it to increase his fame. 7. When Gurumayi began to find out about some of this information she sent a group of trustworthy devotees and swamis to ask Venkateshwar if these things were true. He denied the information or evaded the questions. But afterwards, he phoned Gurumayi and told her he couldn't continue as Guru. He later did admit to these actions, and to additional ones of a similar nature. Frequently-asked Questions Q. Why did Baba choose such an unqualified person to be his successor? Did he not foresee what would happen? A. It is very difficult to answer that question; it was not Baba's way to explain everything he did. However, there were many instances in which Baba's actions were understood in the course of time, and recent events will certainly reveal their significance in time. Baba did give Venkateshwar an opportunity to attain a high state, but Venkateshwar voluntarily chose not to pursue sadhana and destroyed Baba's gift through his own actions. A disciple has free will to follow the Guru's command or reject it. In this case, Venkateshwar chose to reject Baba's command. Baba also wanted people to use their discrimination. The day after he named Venkateshwar his successor in South Fallsburg, he said: "I've just admitted him into my university, it's up to him to pass or fail -- and you should have some discrimination." There are many instances in the lives of great beings where they chose to follow the course of destiny even though they foresaw future events. A prime example of such a situation is found in the life of Jesus Christ. Did Jesus Christ not know the character of Judas and that Judas would betray him? Yet he did nothing to prevent the betrayal and the crucifixion. Q. Is it true that Baba told Venkateshwar he would be a Guru for only three years? A. Venkateshwar Rao said in public and to Gurumayi that Baba had privately told him that he would sit on the Guru's chair for a period of three years only. Gurumayi herself never mentioned the three years: she said that Baba told her Venkateshwar would be on the seat "for a time." Q. Was Venkateshwar a Siddha? And how can a Siddha fall from his state? A. Venkateshwar declared publicly that he was not a Siddha, not a Guru, nor did he have the state of Self-realization. It had become obvious that he failed to attain the state of Siddhahood and because he was not in that state, he became a victim of his own actions. Baba never said Venkateshwar was a Siddha. He gave him the power of the lineage and it was up to Venkateshwar to use it in a dharmic way, to use it for his own and for others' upliftment. However, he chose to abuse it. Q. I thought the disciple had to be perfect in order to become the Guru. What are the criteria? A. It is true that the disciple has to be perfect to become the Guru and to maintain this perfection the disciple has to do sadhana. Only through sadhana can the disciple uphold this purity and this perfection. Until his last days, Baba did sadhana every day and Gurumayi also does sadhana every day. This is the path that is set for us by our Gurus and we should strive to follow it in our own sadhana. Q. Didn't Gurumayi know about Venkateshwar's behavior? Why weren't we told before, especially at the time he retired? A. At the time Venkateshwar retired, Gurumayi wanted him to step down from the Guru's chair with dignity and she also wanted to spare the devotees the pain and shock of having to know about Venkateshwar's unseemly behavior. Gurumayi has herself said that she had heard a few stories about Venkateshwar's behavior sporadically throughout the three years he was on Baba's chair. Out of love and respect for Baba, and because he had commanded Venkateshwar to sit on the Guru's chair, Gurumayi put a veil over her eyes and refused to believe the veracity of these rumors. She did, however, warn Venkateshwar many times to take heed of his actions and words, and to get back to the discipline Baba had taught him. When Venkateshwar had doubts about his Guruhood, and expressed the desire to resign, Gurumayi encouraged him not to doubt Baba's command because Baba's actions were impeccable. But Venkateshwar repeatedly ignored Gurumayi's advice. When Gurumayi returned to Ganeshpuri Siddha Peeth in October, 1985, she gave a number of public talks in which she clearly warned people to open up their eyes and try to understand who the true Guru is, because she already foresaw that Venkateshwar's actions weren't leading to a good end. It was only later on during the celebrations in Ganeshpuri that Venkateshwar, as well as other people involved, finally admitted to all these actions. Q. These events have brought about distrust for me. How do I trust Gurumayi? What is she and what isn't she? A. Gurumayi has been faithful to Baba's command, and has pursued her sadhana thoroughly; and, as a result, has become the fit vehicle for Baba's shakti. This is why people continue to experience the truth of Siddha Yoga through her. However, some devotees who practice their sadhana and are loyal to their path have expressed doubts as a result of this event for the simple reason that they want Siddha Yoga to be pure. Siddha Yoga is pure, and this event has not created a dent in the teachings of Siddha Yoga. It is the greatness of our path that the power of the shakti will not allow an impure vehicle on the Guru's chair. Only someone who has merged with the Guru Principle and is totally pure can be the Guru, remain the Guru, and be a perfect channel for the power of the lineage. Q. What about the accusations which have been made about Gurumayi and a few of the people close to her? A. Many people in the Siddha Yoga community have received letters from Venkateshwar. The first letter was addressed to "Dear Gurubandhu" and signed "a member of Baba's spiritual family." This letter contains accusations concerning people who serve Gurumayi directly. The essence of these allegations is that "a gang of Americans headed by a criminal-minded person has been conspiring to wield power and authority over Baba's organization (and its spiritual head) so as to use it for their own ends." These allegations are false. But they may create an atmosphere of doubt and fear in some people. Anyone who has concerns about Gurumayi's welfare should spend time with her and see for themselves that the only people close to her are those who work hard to carry out their seva. In any organization the size of ours, it is inevitable that some people will be entrusted with certain responsibilities. However, their authority always derives directly from the Guru. Baba used to say that "there have always been people throughout history who have attacked those who are close to great beings." To consider that anyone at all wields power over Gurumayi is to project a limited and dependent world view on to the Guru. The second letter you have received is addressed to all SYDA devotees as a reply to Gurumayi's letter sent to you a few weeks ago. The essence of the allegations in this letter is that Gurumayi is breaking Baba's command by establishing herself as the sole successor. These allegations are also false. Baba did establish two successors but he always reminded us to use our discrimination. It was out of his own free will that Venkateshwar chose not to live up to the dharma of Guru and subsequently chose to retire. He was not coerced nor was his life ever threatened. There's a good chance that you will receive other slanderous letters and you should realize that they are merely empty threats and lies. The important thing is to remain focused on your sadhana and not to let these things affect your practices and your experience of God's grace. Leaving Siddha Yoga In 1979 I entered Siddha Yoga. It is now 1996 and after many years of confusion I have finally come to terms with my relationship with this path. I am leaving. I have been torn over the years. I have always believed in the possibility of a Guru, an enlightened person who's job is to help me know God. I believe Jesus and Buddha were such individuals. I believe that many of the teachings of Siddha Yoga (the Bhagavad Gita, Kashmir Shavism, Vedanta and the Yoga Sutras) are true in and of themselves. Please note that these teachings do not belong to Siddha Yoga. They are universal teachings that many other spiritual teachers, past and present, use. I have had wonderful experiences meditating and chanting at the ashram. And I do believe that whenever you get 50 or 500 or 1000 people together to do spiritual practices, it is quite easy to generate spiritual energy. I do believe Swami Muktananda attained some degree of spiritual “powers” and had the ability to generate “energy.” On the other hand, there have been several events that have continued to challenge my devotion to him and to Swami Chidvilasananda. I have finally accepted these doubts as being true and my decision to leave comes easily. I do not intend to throw the “baby out with the bath water”. I still want to know God and it is clear that Siddha Yoga, (Swami Muktananda and Swami Chidvilasananda) is not the way for me. I respect the reason I came in the first place. I respect the reason that most of us came to Siddha Yoga, to know God. I believe that Bhagavan Nityananda of Ganeshpuri was a true Guru, enlightened. I do not believe he is part of Siddha Yoga, rather Siddha Yoga made him part of themselves. There are, as it turns out, several others who claimed the mantel as did Baba. I understand there are other ashrams around Ganeshpuri that have continued to pass on Nityananda's teachings. There are books you can buy that have actual quotes of Nityananda. They are sublime. Why did Siddha Yoga not publish them? For the past 4 years I have been seeing another Guru and have, after much consideration, decided to join that path. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to do so. It is with this change in paths that I have been freed to look back at the years of doubts and attempt to come to some sort of peace with them. It has also been the dramatic contrast that I have witnessed between Siddha Yoga and this new path that has made it so easy to leave. When I went to my new Guru the mantra given to me by Baba was blessed and “revitalized”. I was amazed at what happened. From that moment on, my meditations have been so much easier and so much deeper. I have gotten more from that mantra in the past few months then I have in the past 17 years. After meeting Swami Muktananda in 1979. I later lived in one of his many ashrams for about 2 years. During that time many rumors circulated about his sexual relationships with women and teens. Several of the swamis left at that time. I was so immersed in the ashram life that it wasn't until much later that I even learned about these allegations. When I did hear of them, I choose to believe that they were simply not true, that the person making the allegation was either mentally ill or that their spiritual practices became too hard and that they needed to leave in an angry way. Despite choosing to ignore them, they continued to nag at me over the years. In 1982 Swami Muktananda died. I went to Ganeshpuri and saw Swami Chidvilasananda and Swami Nityananda take the throne as he had designed. I had wonderful experiences with them both. The chanting and meditation there was ecstatic. From the beginning Siddha Yoga and they (Swami Chidvilasananda and Swami Nityananda) by proxy, stated that they were perfected beings, Siddhas; that all they did and said was perfect. After Baba died, I spoke with one Swami that I had respected. He assured me that he had investigated the rumors himself and did not find any truth to them. I wonder now how he has continued to live with himself. Over the years I discussed them with my friends and got several answers. One friend recently told me that he knows of a women who attends the local center who had sex with Baba. Somehow, this made it all right, since she was still in Siddha Yoga. The implication was that Baba was using sex as a form of tantric initiation (this has continued to reappear over time and apparently was used as a explanation by several Swami's to a group of Boston followers who were in the process of leaving after the Liz Harris article came out). In 1985 Swami Nityananda stepped down. We were first told that he was going into retirement as Swami Muktananda had only planned for him to be there for limited time. That was a surprise but the Guru knew better than we did so we accepted that. And then, as Swami Nityananda apparently wanted to stay, the “truth” came out. Swami Nityananda had been having sex, a violation of his vows. This was total deception. Siddha Yoga tried to pass off his leaving as part of Swami Muktananda's divine plan of a short term Guru to protect their image. Although they would have said it was to protect us, to keep us from having to deal with the confusion it would have raised about an otherwise wonderful path. (I believe many who are still in Siddha Yoga and know the truth still hold this line of thought. We are not told the truth to protect us). Swami Chidvilasananda obviously agreed to this plan. It wasn't until Swami Nityananda tried to reclaim his position that Swami Chidvilasananda and Siddha Yoga then told us the 2nd “truth”, that he had “fallen”. I have found the written materials that were given out by Siddha Yoga when this happened. Clearly they are a matter of the “public” record. Except that for the average new person in Siddha Yoga (anyone who came in after Swami Nityananda left) you would not see this or know that it was in existence. I know people who were in Siddha Yoga for years before they even knew that there was a brother. These include a cover letter from the Secretary of Siddha Yoga Foundation dated March 23, 1986; an undated statement from the trustees, an undated statement from the swamis, an article from Illustrated Weekly of India and a 16 page undated “message” from Swami Chidvilasananda. I do remember seeing this information at the time it was released. I do remember feeling confused. Let's assume that much of what Swami Chidvilasananda states in her message is true. She basically states that Swami Nityananda came to her with doubts about his ability to be the Guru. She then covered that up and let him continue on as the Guru, having us believe that he was enlightened. What kind of person would do that? I believe it was done to protect their image. After all how would it look if the “guru” quit? But things became out of control and the rest is “history”. Here is a section from “A message from Gurumayi to all the devotees of Siddha Yoga” “The crux of the matter is that it was obviously impossible for him to fulfill the role of a Sadguru in spite of the fact that he was in that position. In 1983 when he was in Paris and I was in Australia, he told me on the phone, “I resign from Guruhood. I don't want to be a Guru.” I replied, “Watch what you say. The Shakti is ever alive. I don't want to hear that again because Baba's action is impeccable.” He moaned and groaned and that was that for the time being. Many, many times the fact arose that he was struggling with being a Guru. He talked about taking a year off and living in solitude in Hawaii (not a bad place) or just keeping to himself. After his Australia tour in 1984, he could no longer teach Siddha Yoga in its purity, so he decided to stay in Ganeshpuri and work on himself. Of course, what he did was to work on having a huge house built for himself. Even during that time, when people were breaking their backs building his house, he went to Jaipur for five days and to Germany for two weeks to relax. At this time I was in Los Angeles in April 1985. When he called me on the phone, I asked him, “How hard have you worked so that you fell the need to relax for two weeks?” When asked, “What do you do all day long?” he replied, “I drive around.” (Not a bad life for this Guru!)” When I first read this I agreed that Swami Nityananda was in a sorry state and shouldn't be a Guru. When I read it now I can't help but wonder about the state of Swami Chidvilasananda for covering up for him with the thousands of devotees that worshipped the ground he walked on. But Baba had put him there and after all everything Baba did was perfect, wasn't it? After the shock and disbelief passed, it was apparent Swami Nityananda was never a Siddha, was never truly enlightened as we had been told. (I have heard since that Swami Nityananda said that he never claimed to be enlightened. Is this some sort of excuse? He, as well as Swami Chidvilasananda did let us believe it when it was given to us at every single program). Given his actions, how could he have been? The next question to haunt me for years was what about Swami Chidvilasananda. How did I know if she was realized as well? I continued to do battle with this quandary and “tried to trust my experience” as a way to be at peace with my staying in Siddha Yoga. However that was never really enough to convince me, I continued to have doubts. During the summer of 1991 I visited S. Fallsburg trying to get some clarification, some resolution. I wrote a letter to Swami Chidvilasananda and one of her secretaries came and talked with me. She told me that neither Swami Chidvilasananda or Swami Nityananda were enlightened when Swami Muktananda died. She said that Swami Nityananda was not able to hold onto the Shakti but that Swami Chidvilasananda did so and eventually became enlightened. My direct experience of the two of them after Swami Muktananda died was very powerful. As it was for many people. But despite having wonderful experiences with Swami Nityananda, he was not realized. In the past years I have had wonderful and powerful experiences with several different spiritual healers. One was with a women who was trained in the Philippines as a psychic healer. She was not enlightened and yet she was able to channel and move tremendous amounts of energy. I learned that strong spiritual experiences could be had from non-enlightened people and yet I continued to put Swami Chidvilasananda as a perfected being. So, it seems, I had been lied to. Siddha Yoga, Swami Chidvilasananda and Swami Nityananda had all told us that they were realized, when they were not. This deception should have been enough for me to leave but I did not. Rather I continued to want to believe and to belong. But if one deception occurred, there could be more. Believe me, I never did want to see any deceptions in the first place. And yet I could never quite accept Swami Chidvilasananda's authority and began to question Swami Muktananda's as well. How and why did he put two people on the throne as Siddha Guru's when they were not? What did this imply about his state? Another major problem I have had with Siddha Yoga was George Afif and how he reflected upon Swami Chidvilasananda. He was an assistant to Swami Muktananda and later to Swami Chidvilasananda. In 1983 he was charged with statutory rape. (He was given a suspended six month jail sentence and three years of probation). How in God's name could Swami Chidvilasananda keep him at her side? What do we know about sex offenders? It takes several years of intensive and specialized therapy for a motivated sex offender to change. Given the many stories of George continuing to chase women and teens at the ashram, it would appear, that George never changed. Apparently Swami Nityananda wanted to get rid of George at this time of the rape charge. It would seem that George temporarily “won” that challenge. Then there was the lake project. Several lawsuits later the ashram is now saying that he signed contracts without authority. Anybody close would have seen the amount of money he spent as well as the projects that were never finished. I have heard that he wasted large amounts of money. What I never understood is why Gurumayi allowed this? If she was realized (not that it took a realized person to see what was happening) than she had to know about it, as she was all knowing. So if she knew about it then she permitted it. Why? Why waste all the devotee's money and hard work? Could that energy have been used to help the poor? Why did the ashram need to look so beautiful? And at what price? Maybe to attract new people? A note about the lineage. In the beginning of almost every Siddha Yoga program there is the required notice about the lineage of Siddha Yoga extends from Swami Chidvilasananda to Swami Muktananda to Swami Nityananda to Shiva. It is continually reported that we need a Guru and Siddha Yoga has a handle on that lineage. They do explain that Swami Nityananda of Ganeshpuri was born enlightened and that his Guru was from a prior lifetime. I have no problem with that. I believe that an individual can be born enlightened. It is what they don't say that bothers me. Several other individuals apparently claimed to have been given the lineage from Nityananda of Ganeshpuri as well. Siddha Yoga can not claim to be the sole repository for Swami Nityananda's power. When asked about whether there might be other enlightened Guru's in existence now, I heard one Swami say, “I have never meet one”. Doesn't quite answer the question does it? If Swami Chidvilasananda is not realized then she is as susceptible to all the human frailties that we are: confusion, fear, greed, etc. That would explain a great deal of what I have seen at Siddha Yoga over the years. Shaktipat is defined as the spiritual wakening of an individual by a Guru. In the stories of past Guru's related by Siddha Yoga and even in Swami Muktananda's own auto biography it is quite normal for people to spend many years of hard work and spiritual practices before being given this gift. I have wondered how this has changed. Now we have a Guru that promises Shaktipat for a fee. While it is frequently stated that the Intensive is the program, designed by Swami Muktananda, (or was it Werner Erhart) to give Shaktipat, it is only occasionally stated that one can get Shaktipat outside of an intensive. Why is that? Many people take the intensive and say later that nothing happened. Siddha Yoga responds that whatever happens in the intensive is just perfect for that individual, thereby covering all the bases. Isn't it just as possible that many people take the intensive and do not get Shaktipat, that they are not ready (I have no problem with this idea. I didn't learn how to ride a bike or use my computer in a flash. It took many years of school and college for me to learn what I have learned). But I think Siddha Yoga would not want to dwell on this. It might make people think twice before signing up for a $ 400 intensive which does not even include lunch. And by the way, how does a unenlightened person give Shaktipat anyway? Another ongoing problem with Siddha Yoga has been the money. Why do the courses and Intensives cost so much ? Given what I have seen in other spiritual paths, Siddha Yoga has become a major financial operation. Is it true that Katherine Parrish, who heads raising money for the Prasad project, used to raise money for “The Hunger Project” for EST? Isn't this the one that most of the money went to people's pockets and not to the poor? In the past years I have seen a bigger shift towards asking for Dakshina, the spiritual practice of donating money. Why? Our local center raised more than 20K for her recent tour (1995-96) and now the foundation is asking for more money for her world mission. You should have seen the reaction when the Dakshina team made that new pitch. There was dead silence in the room, people were stunned. And several of them said so (after the meeting of course). I've also wondered why the people with lots of money get special attention. And why do they end up in positions of responsibility? Since Swami Chidvilasananda has been in charge the amount of money poured into the looks of the facility have been tremendous. Yes, people say that there is nothing wrong with having a nice place to worship. I would agree as well. But at what point does it cross the line? How many chandeliers are needed to make the place comfortable enough to meditate in? And why does she need to have such a luxurious place to live? To attract those with money? And all this at the expense of the health of those staying in the mold infested Sadhana Katir? Some might say that so and so donated those chandeliers implying that the foundation did not actually spend the money themselves. I don't think so. If Siddha Yoga had a better use for the money spent this way don't you think they would have said so to the donator? Also the person donating the items would have to of coordinated this with the foundation in advance. The foundation thereby giving permission for this to happen. The next problem has been the clear public relations and Hollywood aspect to Siddha Yoga. If Swami Chidvilasananda is realized, why should she care what people think of her and her organization? It seemed to be a simple PR move to have George suddenly not available when the New Yorker article (November 14, 1994) was being researched by Liz Harris. (Not that anyone in S. Fallsburg ever got a chance to read it as the ashram bought up as many copies as they could in the area to prevent people from seeing it. I spoke to one of the “buyers” who did this). The ashrams official word was that George was out of the country caring for his parents. I have heard that George is in New York working in an advertising agency. Why has Siddha Yoga been so paranoid about people visiting other spiritual teachers? Why did people take names of those visiting other Guru's? People in positions of authority are told that they are not allowed to see other teachers. Are they afraid that they might get something from someone else that was to be had at Siddha Yoga? If Swami Chidvilasananda is not realized, do you think she would want people comparing Guru's? Another problem has been the shift towards psychological growth techniques. Why does an enlightened being need to come up with more and more courses to teach us? Aren't the traditional texts of India good enough? It's almost like they need to do something different and exciting to get peoples attention (and money). The No Ego Course for example taught about several types of egos. Someone later found the psych book that the information came from, listing the types of egos. As I have told friends and family about my leaving Siddha Yoga I have gotten several interesting responses. One person said that while they had doubts they trusted Swami so and so and that as long as that person was still here, it must be ok. Well, I had to stop and think. I have said that to myself for many years. Then it occurred to me. What about all the swami's that have left Siddha Yoga? So I began to collect a list, to see what it would look like. I don't know if this is complete but this is what I have found so far. I remember many of the Swami's who left Siddha Yoga. Many of them were wonderful teachers and highly respected inside of Siddha Yoga. Not Swami, still with Siddha Yoga S. Lalitananda S. Yogananda S. Purnananda S. Vimalananda S. Hemananda No longer with Siddha Yoga S. Abhayananda S. Tejomayananda S. Nikilananda S. Gopalananda S. Shankarananada S. Samatananda S. Paramananda S. Girijananda S. Radhananda S. Dayananda S. Vedananda S. Shivananda S. Teriananda S. Shradananda In addition to the Swami's there is Joseph Chilton Pearce, a world famous teacher. He was highly placed in Siddha Yoga for many years. I considered him to be a very solid guy and always liked his teachings, prior to and while in Siddha Yoga. But when was the last time you saw him? Actually he has left. Below is a short description from a friend who found this out, who used to be on the steering committee of a center: “This happened a few years ago, when I was still the head of programming, before I went on the Steering Committee. Joe Pierce had been conspicuously absent from the limelight for a while (6 months or so?). A satsang member, who teaches at a local university heard that Joe was going to be in town in a few months, was speaking and doing a book signing, and wanted to know if I'd call him and invite him to speak at one of our programs at the center. She even gave me the name of his publicist in NY. I decided to check this out with the South Fallsburg Center's Office first, since it was a programming question, and called our contact in the Center's Office. They said they would check on it and get back to me. I was called about a day later and said we should leave Joe alone, not invite him to speak, or even invite him to the center. She said he was very sick, and that we didn't want to tax his health by burdening him with such a request. As I recall, she even told me not to talk about him at all, and if asked by the satsang member, I should just say he wasn't available. I was told that he'd left Siddha Yoga and that I was not to pass that on, just to say he wasn't available and wasn't feeling so well.” Actually I have heard that Joe Pierce has a new Guru. What does this mean? That some of them couldn't take it or that some of them couldn't stand the hypocrisy any more. And why does Siddha Yoga not tell us of a Swami's leaving. At least early in Siddha Yoga their would be an announcement in the back of the Siddha Path. Now it's done in secrecy. The same person who told me about Joe Pierce also told me about S. Nikilananda's departure in about 1994. This is what he said: “S. Nikilananda: I received a letter by regular US mail (unusual, most communication from SF was via fax or voice) while I was on the Steering Committee, addressed to Steering Committee members, ashram managers and country coordinators. It had attached to it a letter from Swami Nikilananda, resigning his position as swami, renouncing his vows of monkhood, and gave an explanation as to why he was doing this. He sighted personal reasons, and specifically stated that it had nothing to do with all the negative publicity Siddha Yoga was receiving at the time (the Liz Harris article was mentioned, I believe). He said he needed to move on in his life. The cover letter that was addressed to us was from the Global Communications department. I can't remember if it was signed by anyone, but I'm sure it was; probably Lolita Shirella (sp?). They said we were not to pass on this information to the community, that it was for our eyes only. We were being informed in case anyone asked us if we knew anything about Nikilananda's leaving, we were to say it was for personal reasons, had nothing to do with the NYr article, and leave it at that.” So, I ask myself why have so many left? I have come to believe that they can no longer live with themselves as being part of Siddha Yoga. They leave quietly as that is what Siddha Yoga wants (don't rock the boat or make it difficult for people by giving them this information) and because they do not want to be harassed by Siddha Yoga. Another person addressed my leaving by quoting Rajneesh (of all people). “It's better to have perfect faith in an imperfect master than imperfect faith in a perfect master”. My first reaction is that this is a great statement coming from Rajneesh. Maybe it gives people the permission and the courage to stay. I couldn't disagree more. Perfect faith and devotion for a person who is not enlightened will only get you as far as they are, at best. I guess if that's all you want that's fine. And what if that person goes off the deep end why you are being a perfect devotee? Are you going to go down with him? In Rajneesh's case that included planning to poison people at restaurants. I think what is behind this (granted this is my interpretation) is what do I say to myself and to others after giving so many years to this path? Does it mean that I have wasted all these years? I think not. There's nothing to be gained by beating myself up about it. Since I haven't done anything to hurt anyone else (except trying to enlist others into Siddha Yoga) then I really only have myself to deal with. Why did I come to Siddha Yoga? What was I looking for? As I look back (at the time I was working as a therapist, owned a house, was married and doing just fine) I had long prior given up on my childhood teachings of Catholicism and my life was devoid of any active spiritual practices. I had always been looking for a true spiritual path. It's just that I got sidetracked for a while. But that is what I still want. If anything it makes me more determined than ever to get it! Another person said, if your going to leave why bring up all this stuff? Why cause trouble? Well, I guess, I am grateful for all the articles (the New Yorker article by Liz Harris, “O Guru, Guru, Guru; November 14, 1994; the article in the CoEvolution Quarterly, “The Secret Life of Swami Muktananda” by William Rodarmor which includes a letter by Stan Trout, formally known as Swami Abyayananda, Winter 1983 and the Gnosis article “Face to Face; Confronting the Guru-Disciple Relationship, Spring of 1996”) that have been written and all the information that exists on the internet. It has helped me come to see the truth and move on. The truth about Siddha Yoga and the truth that I still want to know God. Maybe somebody else will read what I have written and it will help them see their truth as well. Another person agreed there have been problems but now things have changed, they are better now. Yes, I agree George is gone and that is good. (This is what they were referring too). But the circumstances that allowed George to come to power are still there. And the fact remains that Siddha Yoga is based on deception. Another person told me that she had separated Gurumayi from the organization as a way to deal with all the problems. Yes, I had done that too in an attempt to make sense of it all. After all, the other people below her were not realized and therefore subject to mistakes like the rest of us. But Gurumayi is ok. But I kept asking myself, if she is enlightened how can she allow all these problems to continue. For our benefit? I think not. I think Gurumayi is well aware of what goes on in the organization and has complete control of it. In the end, I am angry for being deceived and lied to. I am also grateful for some of the people I have meet as I believe the vast majority of them have entered into Siddha Yoga with good hearts and good intentions. And as I take responsibility for my being in Siddha Yoga, for those 17 years, I now choose to leave. In the short few months, I have felt a sigh of relief. They needed to find three people to replace all the seva I did. It has been exciting to see how I can live my life without the ever growing pressure of SYDA and I look forward to what lies ahead. July 1996 A Personal Story of SYDA Involvement It has been almost sixteen years since I first heard of Siddha Yoga. Over that time, Siddha Yoga has absorbed my time, energy and financial resources as I joined its ranks, worked in and for the organization and slowly and painfully left in order to regain my own life and identity. Leaving Siddha Yoga was the best thing I could do for myself and for those closest to me. It has been a difficult but life affirming process and I am glad to be nearing the end of it. One of the basic tenants of Siddha Yoga is to “honor oneself”. It has been my understanding and appreciation of that tenant that has lead me to examine the real activities of this group - the real activities which, to my sorrow, I have found to be very different than the publicly stated tenants and teachings. After many years of involvement and dedication to Siddha Yoga, I find that I can no longer “honor my own self” and live an ethical life without leaving what I now understand to be a destructive cult. How I Got Into Siddha Yoga I was first introduced to Siddha Yoga by a casual acquaintance I meet in a business type setting. Our business was such that we saw each other every day for a period of about a month and often took lunch together. During casual conversations he told me that he followed a spiritual path based on the teachings of an Indian swami by the name of Muktananda who himself was the disciple of Nityananda. We discussed the Bhagavad Gita and he recited some of the teachings of Siddha Yoga. It was all very foreign to me at the time. For a long time I thought he was saying “City Yoga” and I thought it was something to do with contortionistic type exercises! As for the long and exotic sounding names - I thought they could be fun names for one's pets if only one could remember them! Little did I know at the time that those names would become as familiar to me as my own. After some prompting from my acquaintance, I went with him to the Siddha Yoga center. We got there at a meal time and I was invited to eat with a group of very warm and welcoming people. To my amazement, one of them was a woman I had known briefly years before, again in a professional setting. She was dressed in orange and wore a red dot on her forehead and she talked of a philosophy that was unfamiliar but interesting. She was friendly and welcomed me with attention and kindness. I stayed for a chant - again unfamiliar - and left with conflicting feelings. On one hand I was invigorated. I had met some interesting people who seemed to be happy and comfortable with themselves. I had been exposed to practices and beliefs that were different and exotic. Although the chanting was discordant to my ears (evening arati) and the English translation did not make a whole lot of sense to me, it was also intriguing. I felt energized and excited by the experience. At the same time, I was uncomfortable with the obvious adoration the people there had for the person of Muktananda. I was told that he was “God” and that he was currently in Santa Monica. I was told that the best thing I could do for myself was to go to California and met him. I heard about events called shaktipat and intensives - things that would change my life for ever and insure perfection for whatever followed this life. I noticed people looking at the many photos of this man in adoration and I heard them tell of personal directions they had received from him and their commitment to follow them to the letter. The most uncomfortable of all was observing people bowing down to a photos of Muktananda, placing their heads on a pair of his shoes and in some cases kissing them. I did not go back to a Siddha Yoga program for many months. However the person who was my original connection delivered a calendar of events to me every month. Some time later the same person wrote a note on a calendar saying that he was giving a talk in a program on a particular night and he would really like me to be there to hear it. I felt flattered and for some reason imagined that he needed my presence to do what I thought might be a difficult activity. So I went along. This time I was greeted like a long lost friend by everyone I had met there months before. They seemed genuinely pleased to see me and warmly included me in what was going on. After the program, several of them paid me a lot of attention, discussed the program with me and told me stories of being with Muktananda (who they called Baba) in person. Again they told me of the wonderful benefits of going to be with him in person. After that I continued going to Siddha Yoga programs regularly. I was often asked to do what I thought of as very special things like waving the arati tray to photos of Baba while a chant was being sung. I was flattered. Looking back on it now, I can see that in many ways flattering was the basis of my increasing involvement and commitment to Siddha Yoga. This commitment was sealed by going to South Fallsburg in September of 1982 when Baba sent Swami Chidvilasananda (who he had appointed his successor along with her brother, Swami Nityananda) to do a Labor Day intensive. I “fell in love” with her and through a series of events it seemed that she knew and cared for me too. I was naive. I thought the fact that she seemed to know me was a sign of her omnipotence. Now I know better, but it impressed me at the time. The honeymoon continued as I went to Ganeshpuri that Christmas just six weeks after Muktananda had died. What Happened Then For the following seven years I was a disciple of Gurumayi Chidvilasananda's. I was heavily involved in my local center, several times a year I went to wherever Gurumayi was on tour and I went to the South Fallsburg ashram for at least some part of most summers. Visiting Siddha Yoga teachers often stayed at my house, I was included in the inner circle at the center and was privy to some of the information that was not distributed to many others. When at the ashram I was given seva that took me into circles I would not other wise have been exposed to. For example, I saw the very palatial office complex used by George and Kanteya under the less than luxurious dorms in the South Fallsburg main building. In 1983, The CoEvolution Quarterly published The Secret Life of Swami Muktananda that revealed, among other things, Baba's sexual involvement with young girls. Any clear thinking person would have left an organization associated with such behavior immediately. However, by that time I was indoctrinated enough to imagine that there might be some acceptable explanation. I talked with an “old timer” at my center who told me an elaborate story of how the people he thought were the primary instigators of that article were embittered folk who felt Baba did not give them enough attention. In addition, he said that the descriptions of sexual improprieties on Baba's part could not possibly be true because Baba was “so powerful that if anyone had sex with him they would self-destruct”!! (What makes this story even more shocking to me now that I have my own brain back is that the person who said this to me is a psychotherapist who should of known better.) Incredible though it now seems, I fell for it. Besides, it was Gurumayi I was committed to and since Muktananda was now dead, I thought his immoral behavior, if there was any, was also dead with him. I put the information aside as irrelevant - but the knowledge of this horror lay dormant in my mind. A few years later, Swami Nityananda (named for Muktananda's guru) resigned his position as guru - or at least that is what we were told at first. Through a series of elaborate and videotaped ceremonies, we were told that Swami Nityananda was the “perfect disciple” and that he was following Baba's instructions to remain on the guru's chair for only three years in order to help Gurumayi. He declared himself a disciple of Gurumayi's and committed himself to serving her. Once again I fell for the hype and believed what I was told. It was a different story a few months later however, when Nityananda, having fled from Siddha Yoga during Gurumayi's tour to Hawaii, claimed his right to the position of a Siddha Yoga guru once again. Now we were told a completely different story. Nityananda was described as a fallen monk who exploited his position as Baba's successor sexually, financially and ethically. Panels of Siddha Yoga teachers traveled the world informing devotees, in minute detail, of the terrible behavior of Nityananda. Yes, once again, when they were at my city, some of these teachers stayed at my house. I spent several very long evenings with them hearing of even more terrible stories than those that were told in public meetings. I do not doubt that these stories were true - but they were not the whole truth. This was not a black and white situation. Gurumayi was behaving in equally distressing ways that we did not know about at the time. I was not sorry to take the photos of Nityananda off of my walls. I did not really relate to him. It was Gurumayi I was committed to. What did bother me though, was that (a) we were told two different stories to explain Nityananda's departure and (b) after he left, history was vigorously rewritten in Siddha Yoga circles. It was an insult to the intelligence of devotees to firstly be told that Nityananda was the “perfect disciple” who was resigning on the erstwhile unrevealed instructions of his now dead guru and then, just a few months later, to be told stories illustrating his shocking behavior that caused the “shakti” to throw him out. The two stories just did not, and do not, mesh. All mention of a co-successor was eliminated from Siddha Yoga public presentations, publications and videos. One significant video was recalled. The Passage of Power had been made at the instruction of Muktananda and was touted as the greatest of all Siddha Yoga videos. It supposedly illustrated the guru lineage from Shiva through to Bhagawan Nityananda to Muktananda and then to the brother/sister team of Chidvilasananda and Nityananda. I owned one of those videos and I received a letter from SYDA instructing me to return it to South Fallsburg so that they could make some “additions”. Those additions were never made and months later I received another letter from SYDA stating that I would not be getting the video back, that it would be used within the ashram only and that as compensation I could have a “free” intensive provided I traveled to South Fallsburg to get it. It is quite clear to me that the removal of this video was related to the fact that it showed extensive footage of the elaborate and ceremonious way Baba indicated to the whole of Siddha Yoga that Chidvilasananda AND Nityananda were his successors. At one point, through Chidvilasananda as translator, Baba says that the installation ceremony was being held so that the “whole world” would know that “these two swamis” were his successors. Once again, all this information was stored away in my mind but I continued to worship and follow Gurumayi Chidvilasananda. So far I had not heard anything about her that was able to disrupt my faith. The, oh so subtle, mind control I had been subjected to was strong enough to block out the inconsistencies in the `Nityananda resignation stories that I knew Gurumayi herself was a part of because I had seen and heard her tell them on videotape. There is another incident that occurred at that time that has bothered me through the years and concerns a statement made by Gurumayi to a group of Center Leaders. At the time that the stories of Nityananda's behavior were being systematically told to all devotees, many Center Leaders were called on an emergency basis to South Fallsburg. I was not a Center Leader at the time, but I was close to a person who was. On arrival at South Fallsburg, the Center Leaders were treated as VIPs and were told the Nityananda horror stories in a number of seminar type sessions. Later Gurumayi herself met with these Center Leaders. I am told that at one point one of the Center Leaders told Gurumayi of his continued love and devotion and asked her if there was more information to come. He reassured Gurumayi that all the people there could take it but asked that they hear it ALL now. Gurumayi said that “yes” there was more information but that she would talk about it at a later date. To my knowledge that “additional information” has never been told by Gurumayi or anyone else. In the mean time I continued to do my sadhana at my local center and visit with Gurumayi very often. However the honey moon was over. I think the beginnings of my own personal disillusionment happened during a management type meeting when instructions were being handed out in a very heavy handed and authoritarian way. It dawned on me like thousand light bulbs being turned on that THIS IS NO DEMOCRACY!! I checked this insight out with a few “old timers” who confirmed with pride that it was true - we did what we were told either directly from the guru or from her representatives! WOW! How did I, a life long liberal who believed in democracy and freedom above anything else get involved in this? Even more WOW how come I stayed even after learning this truth? I know the answer to some extent. By that time I believed Gurumayi was an enlightened being (a Siddha guru) who could and had awakened my kundalini (spiritual energy) and, provided I continue as her disciple, had the ability and will to take me eventually to her own state. My karma would be taken care of and `with a little bit of luck' I would not have to come back to this earth for any more lives and I would spend eternity merged with God. Pretty appealing don't you think? In addition, along with other SYDA devotees, I chanted the Guru Gita every morning which told, among other things, of the terrible consequences of disobeying the guru or making her angry. One could make God angry and get away with it but never the guru. Even God cannot intervene if one makes the guru angry. Powerful stuff. I fell for it. In the meantime I was becoming more and more depressed. My self-esteem was falling and I found myself unable to do well things I had been good at all my life. It had been my nature to carry out management activities with confidence and efficiency. Now I was finding myself needing the confirmation of others and an underlying anxiety arose that I may not be doing things in a manner that would please Gurumayi. I was put in positions of more and more authority at the center and in my seva when at the ashrams but my sense of self was not growing. I now understand that this was because there were others who had more authority than me who consistently and in a very passive aggressive way undermined what I did. Such was the mind control I was being exposed to. For example, I was the manager of the bookstore at our center. It was my job to keep the bookstore stocked with items from the main bookstore in South Fallsburg. However I did not have a budget to do this. I had to get a check to cover the orders from the Center Leader who refused to tell me how much money was available to purchase bookstore inventory. (In those days there was NOTHING more secret in Siddha Yoga circles than the finance!) So time after time after time I took a whole day off of my own work to make out a bookstore order only to be told “in the sweetest possible way” to redo it because it was too much money. When I asked how much money WAS available so that I could make an order to fit the finances I was denied that information and told to make the order and the Center Leader would decide if it was appropriate. This all came to a head when a group of Siddha Yoga teachers (Mandali) arrived in our city prior to a visit from Gurumayi. They ran many introductory programs as a means of gathering more and more people into the fold for when Gurumayi came. It was my job to take the bookstore to these programs. Of course there was a very small inventory because of the crazy making processes I have just described. The Mandali was furious that there were not a good supply of bookstore items available to sell at their introductory programs and I was in deep water! I was angry enough to tell the truth about the reason for the limited stock and a rush order was received from South Fallsburg for the remainder of the Mandali visit. This is only one example of the subtle, psychological abuse that went on at the center level. Power was exerted constantly from those with it to those with less of it. Innumerable meetings were called that started late and ended late because the “chairperson” was late and slowed the agenda. Many ridiculous seva projects were started only to be canceled and another one begun. The point of seva I was told was to give selflessly - never mind if the project was ill thought out or if it had to be redone or disbanded part way through. The main thing was to get rid of our own egos! So many hours spent on these projects to the detriment of my own family and my own business and social needs. Yet I thought I was working for Gurumayi and that that was the greatest calling of all. Through all of this everyone (myself included) went around with sweet smiles on our faces, encouraging others to join the organization and speaking only of positive experiences and positive emotions. Gradually, at the instigation of authorities in South Fallsburg things began to change. I became particularly aware of this through a Center Leader's training course I attended in South Fallsburg. The appearance of the center became more “yuppie” and a great deal of emphasis was placed on the style of dress worn at programs. Women were supposed to wear skirts and men were to wear shirts and ties. The style of clothing was to be upgraded and Center Leaders were to set an example. I recall an amusing incident when I was told by a woman wearing a sari that although my outfit was very nice it was “too ethnic” to wear to the center (I was wearing a beautiful embroidered skirt). Greater emphasis was placed on selling from the bookstore and paid courses and intensives were “pushed” in a way I had not seen before. We were trained to do this at Center Leader's training courses and through instructions from South Fallsburg. Only specially trained musicians could participate in playing musical instruments or singing in lead chanting groups. Elaborate trainings were held for sevites who greeted newcomers, those who spoke at programs and any other seva that involved interaction with new people. Community meetings were called to teach us how to talk about Gurumayi and Siddha Yoga with friends and family. All talks were tutored to the point that experience talks and public announcements all started to sound the same. I had been a public speaker at my center for many years but stopped doing this when my talks was molded through tutoring into something that were not me and express experiences that were not mine. A greater emphasis was placed on money. Bookstore items increased in price as did paid courses and intensives. While in the past it had always been said that it was Baba's instructions to never ask for money in his name, dakshana (donations) was asked for more and more often. On one occasion, a community meeting was called to ask for money for a specific project. I was asked by the person organizing the meeting to prepare a short statement describing the benefits of giving dakshana and to present it, as if spontaneously, at the meeting. In other words I was a plant. My depression continued. I went to a physician (also a Siddha Yoga devotee) who told me I was wrong about the psychological abuses I described and put me on antidepressants. I thought it was likely that my depression was a result of my “poor sadhana” and I increased my daily practices and the time I spent at the center. I was exposed to more and more psychological abuses in the name of Gurumayi and I observed them happening to others around me. Gurumayi came to our city which is another whole story of abuse and rudeness. I (and others) worked to the point of illness and neglect of our families and work responsibilities to prepare for her arrival. When she came, Gurumayi was just plain rude to the community that put out so much to accommodate her. This was the first time it truly entered my mind that there was something wrong with the adoration of this person. The power she has as the controller of the lives and destinies of her disciples is tremendous. I doubt anyone's ego could retain any humility when awarded such power. I now know that Gurumayi has not been able to. How I Left Siddha Yoga Some time later I went for my last visit to Ganeshpuri, India. That was a fateful visit for me - and one I am very grateful for because it was the beginning of the return of my senses. I saw many abuses there and many things that are against my basic sense of decency and honor. I saw homophobia, elitism, psychological and verbal harassment, illegal activities, abuses of the rights of animals and just plain meanness and unkindness. A few examples. Gurumayi was coming to the Guru Gita every morning at that time. She came each day in what appeared to me to be a very grumpy mood. The lights were off until she arrived and no-one was supposed to look at her during the chant. (People, such as I, had traveled thousands of miles and great expense to “see” her and were now denied all but a brief sight of her. The only other time one could see her was during darshan time in the mornings at which time we were to stay only five minutes and leave.) After the chant was over and daylight had come, Gurumayi called one person after another to stand up and she verbally harassed them in as cruel a manner as I had ever seen in my life. This happened day after day after day. I was stunned and very disturbed by this display of mistreatment. I knew that in ANY other circumstances and by any other person, this behavior would be seen by me and any rational person as inappropriate and unacceptable. In any other circumstance I would of left and/or spoken out about what I was seeing. In the context of spirituality we accepted it as ”grace” and sat by as people were tormented. During that stay in Ganeshpuri I was asked to participate in an illegal activity. As a part of my seva I was asked to type wording on a governmental document over an existing signature thus changing the governmental approval that was given by the document. I certainly got the feeling that this was a very common practice in Siddha Yoga. By the time I left I knew that Siddha Yoga would never be the same for me again. I had observed enough over the years to feel really uncomfortable with the organization and I had a unsettling feeling that there was much more that I did not know that was not right. I came home and left all my seva at the center and stopped going regularly to programs. I kept Gurumayi in my heart as a concept - as a symbol of spiritual practice but I was disappointed in the person. Soon after that came the November 1994 issue of the New Yorker magazine with that now famous article by Liz Harris entitled O Guru, Guru, Guru. I devoured that article. In some ways it represented a relief for me as it confirmed my sense that all was not right with Siddha Yoga at the core. At the time I read that article there were many things in it that I knew from my own experience to be true, there were some things in it that I did not know whether they were true or not but there was nothing in it that I knew for sure was not true. For example, I knew that Gurumayi had her brother, Nityananda, harassed by devotees because I had a friend who was literally involved in doing it. In fact, I was asked to carry a gift from Gurumayi to someone as a “thank you” for what the person had done in harassing Nityananda. I knew that there were “bugs” in the ashrams as one such bug was pointed out to me by a very old-timer and staff member when I was in Oakland. I knew that Gurumayi really liked expensive and “real” jewelry as a friend of mine had given her a piece of jewelry and was told by Gurumayi in disgust that it had been checked by a jeweler and it was “fake”. I knew that Gurumayi had people spy on others and report to her as I over-heard two people speaking to each other behind me at an ashram in which one person told another that he had been instructed to follow and watch Meg Christian and report to Gurumayi on what she did. I knew there were lists of “Special Consideration” (VIPs) people who were given special treatment as I had seen such lists myself as part of my seva at the ashram and I was on one such list at one time and was given a great deal of special attention by a specially appointed staff person. I knew that George Afif had been convicted of statutory rape because I was friends with a person who was involved in management at the Oakland Ashram when it happened and I had previously been told about it. In addition, the same stories that were described in the CoEvolution Quarterly magazine resurfaced, this time with greater emphasis and more concrete evidence to support them. So I reexamined the information I had received all those years ago - this time with a more open mind. Since the publication of the New Yorker article I have been able to confirmed every single piece of information that is in there for myself from reliable sources. I now know that EVERYTHING that is reported in that article is true. In addition, I have made contact with many people who have, like me, had the courage to examine this big business Siddha Yoga organization that has captured our hearts and minds for so many years. While unique, I have found that their stories are similar to mine and that they have gone through the same painful process of separating from something that we all thought gave meaning to our lives. In addition, I have read and heard the personal testimony of people who have been more overtly abused than I have and I believe them. When a woman says she has been raped or sexually abused I believe her. There is nothing in it for her to make up such a story. I am appalled at the hundreds of Siddha Yoga psychotherapists who also know that and seem willing to take the side of the abusers in this instance. This is scary and horrifying. I have undertaken an exhaustive study of published literature about cults and I have learned that there are certain characteristics of abusive cults many of which describe Siddha Yoga as I have experienced it. One of the most powerful characteristics is the unquestioning allegiance to a central personage. This is certainly the case in Siddha Yoga. While Siddha Yoga may not be a “Jonestown” or a Waco, there are enough overt and covert abuses going on in there for me to leave. The final leavings have been slow and painful. I would not have chosen to leave Gurumayi. I loved the person I thought she was. However, I love my own inner Self more and I have to stand by principles that say abuse - sexual, financial, environmental, psychological, physical - is NOT OK and I cannot support it. Even if only one young woman was raped by Baba, even if only one person was coerced into given large checks to the guru, even if there was only one incident of electronic eavesdropping at the ashram, even if Gurumayi only once physically harassed her brother, even if only one person was verbally belittled in public by Gurumayi ..... it would be enough for me to say that I cannot stay connected with this organization and retain a sense of integrity and honor. These things, and others, happened many more times than once and I am out! The remaining bonds I had with Gurumayi and SYDA came down with her photos from my walls. My depression has completely lifted without chemical aid and I am happier than I have been in my life. I have learned many things in Siddha Yoga that are valuable. The basic teachings are marvelous principles to live one's life by. It is just too bad that Siddha Yoga does not live by them. I value the teachings and I value the practices. I expect meditation to be a daily activity for me for the rest of my life and I hope that chanting will once again become available to me without the Siddha Yoga strings attached. None of these teachings or practices are the property of Siddha Yoga. They are universal teachings and practices that come to us from many spiritual traditions. It is fortunate that one of the most powerful teachings of Siddha Yoga is to honor one's own self. It was by imbibing this teaching that I was able to see the unpleasant truths in this path and get out. I have confidence that I am not alone in this and that taking responsibility for oneself will enable many others to leave and reclaim their own sense of self. With best wishes to all who read this in the spirit of seeking the truth. May you find what you are looking for. My Experiences as a Steering Committee Member in Siddha Yoga I was in Siddha Yoga from 1989 through 1996. In that time I became more and more involved with my local center, eventually becoming a Steering Committee member for 2 years. Many things bothered me about SYDA during that time: the rumors of improprieties both sexual and financial; the way business was run locally and nationally; the special treatment given people with large bank accounts (or the appearance of large bank accounts); Gurumayi's seemingly unnecessary cruelty to those closest to her; the murkiness of the lineage; the constant rewriting of SYDA history; to name just a few. As I became more involved with management type sevas, I was privy to events and procedures that became more and more hard to justify as being part of a benevolent, spiritual organization; an organization that SYDA claimed to be. It was the article in the New Yorker, in November of 1994, that really started the end of my involvement with SYDA. I hung on for a little over a year after that, finding it hard to believe that the allegations and rumors detailed in the article could all be true; or that Gurumayi could be involved in these negative aspects of SYDA. In fact, it took me a year to even read the article. But after reading it, and then reading the 1983 Co-Evolution Quarterly article, and the numerous archived posting from the discussion group on America On Line; and talking to a few people who had left and experienced things firsthand; I knew I had to leave. I could no longer support an organization that was so rotten at the very core. An organization that spoke out of both sides of it's mouth, that considered the multitudes of followers to be easy pickings for financial exploitation. An organization that was based on a cleverly constructed series of lies and half-truths. In the end, I just had to admit that Gurumayi and Baba were not realized beings. It couldn't be true because all the other little lies that surrounded it were too numerous. Yet, for years, I either ignored the little lies, or I excused them, because I believed they were realized. I believe that Nityananda of Ganeshpuri was a Siddha. I also believe that Muktananda was one of his followers. Upon Nityananda's death in the early 60's, Muktananda made a false claim to the world that he was the appointed successor of this great saint of Ganeshpuri. Muktananda had done some spiritual practices and had attained a certain level of spiritual attainment. However, I do not believe that he attained liberation, nor was he a real guru; merely a liar and an opportunist who claimed he was liberated, and claimed he was a true guru. His behavior of having sex with hundreds of young girls, is entirely inconsistent with his claims of celibacy and renunciation. His strong-arm tactics for people who told of his lust for young girls, is merely further proof of his lack of moral and ethical fiber, as well as his lack of claimed spiritual attainment. His appointed successors, the brother and sister team of Swami Nityananda and Swami Chidvilasananda were not, and are not now, realized. I have heard that even today, when pressed, those closest to Chidvilasananda will admit that she was not realized when Muktananda installed her and her brother. Yet, at the time, such claims were made. The ridiculous and embarrassing break between the two gurus that left Gurumayi in charge and her brother out in the dark, and the following years of harassment, is further proof of Gurumayi's sorry lack of attainment. It is clear that SYDA is not anywhere near what it claims to be. It appears that it's real aim is for the financial gain of its leader; and for her amusement. I can not support such falsehood any longer. I believe that most people who enter SYDA, do so out of pure motives. They spend most of their time in SYDA believing they are on a true spiritual path, blissfully ignorant of the chaos and lies that exist coming from the leader and those around her. They hear of the rumors, but believe the party line: that they are just rumors, and are being spread by a small group of disgruntled ex-followers. Yet, the rumors never seem to go away. And for me, it's not just that the central truth of Gurumayi's state is a falsehood, but the utter chaos and pettiness and ugliness that exists just underneath the surface in SYDA, that also played a large part in my decision to leave. For it was really this chaos and ugliness that really led me to know that Gurumayi was not what she claimed to be. And it was this chaos and ugliness that was always there and wouldn't go away, that finally led me to the door of leaving SYDA. What follows are some observations about my years as a Steering Committee person for my local center, and about some of the trainings and courses I took in connection with becoming a Steering Committee member. Center's Leader Training Course, South Fallsburg Ashram, Summer, 1992 The design of the Center Leader's Training Course that summer was quite unique. All participants were required to take not only the CLT courses (of which there were two sessions each day for 5 days, one in the morning before lunch, and the other in the afternoon after lunch); but were also required to take a course in the morning (either Traditions of Siddha Yoga 1, or Traditions 2; this course went from after breakfast, until about 1/2 an hour before the CLT began); and a course in the evening, The No Ego Course. The 3 courses came as a package, and the fee was waived for CLT participants for both the No Ego Course, and the Traditions courses. A nominal fee, by SYDA standards was charged for the CLT Course (I seem to recall it was $50 or so). The effect of all these courses was that you were constantly being fed information; you were always kept busy, and there was no extra time in your day, except early in the morning, before breakfast; but, of course, it was expected you'd meditate and attend the Guru Gita at those times. The design of the courses themselves were very clever in imposing a way of thinking on the participants. The Traditions courses were just informational, but there was a lot of information, and you were going to be tested at the end. The CLT courses were also filled with information, but also with exercises for group processes, notably, TDH, Team Data Handling, a method of consensus decision making in small groups. Also during the trainings, well orchestrated presentations on controversial issues were presented; for instance, the issue of dress codes was handled very slickly, but kind of got out of hand, when the Germans and the French rebelled about having culturally biased (i.e. American) dress codes being forced on them. The real gem of the whole training, the one that broke down all resistance, was The No Ego Course. For 5 to 6 hours each night, we were locked in the hall of Muktananda Mandir and two swamis (Ishwarananda and Durgananda) and Peter Hayes, dressed in robes and masks, browbeat selected people with personal attacks orchestrated by Gurumayi from the one-way mirrored glass booth at the back of the hall. She would tell the swamis and Peter what to say, and they'd repeat it word for word. I know this is true, because the first night, I sat up front, right in front of Peter Hayes, and could hear Gurumayi's voice coming through his earphone. The next night, they turned down the sound a bit. The No Ego Course was classic pressure/release techniques. Fire and brimstone were hurled at us for hour on end. (And even though not everyone in the course was called on and personally attacked - there were 500+ people in the course - they made it very clear that anyone could be called on, and read a list of 40 names at the beginning of each night, and said that any of these people could be called on tonight, plus 5 more people!) During the entire course, 3 television cameras panned the audience, and Gurumayi would tell Peter or the swamis that she could see someone trying to hide, or sleeping, or whatever. The effect was a state of constant tension and fear. This was the pressure. The stress level gets very high, and then is released. (To add to the pressure, the music played at the beginning of the first night was loud, angry, non-SYDA music; some sort of free form jazz; the following nights, an instrumental version of the Guru Gita was played before and after.) The release, in this case, came at the end of each night's session, with the soothing music of the Guru Gita being played. Everyone was told to go into the temple and offer their egos to Bade Baba. Everyone was told to offer their egos to Gurumayi. Another release came the next day, in the other two courses and trainings. You were so relieved to not be under the gun of personal attack, it was a relief to sit through them. By the end of the week, you were exhausted from the tiring schedule: up each morning at 4, meditate, chai, Guru Gita, rush over to Atma Nidi for breakfast; rush back to the Main Building for the Traditions course; short break, then into the CLT morning session; rush back to Atma Nidi for lunch; rush back to the Main Building for afternoon session of CLT; break for dinner, and back and forth to Atma Nidi again for that; perhaps a few minutes for some dish seva in the spare 15 or 20 minutes; then it was time for The No Ego Course in the Main Building, which ran from 7 until around 12:30-1 a.m.. each night. The final and most intense pressure, after such a tiring week of ups and downs, of pressures and releases, came on the last night. A test had been promised, and they had given us volumes of information in with the brow beating and personal attacks (lists of types of egos, what the characteristics of each was; lists of all kinds of things to remember). There was really no time to study for this test, plus they introduced more lists of things on that final night. The heat was turned up also in the personal attacks, and people that didn't want to be called on were again made fun of and ridiculed as not ready to give their egos to the guru. By 12:30 there had still been no test and they seemed to be wrapping up the course. Then they announced that there would be no test, and the course would end with a chant. Those who wished to leave and go sleep could do so, those who wished to stay should sit quietly and listen to the English version of the Guru Gita, for remember, the guru takes away our egos, surrender to the guru. People were in tears listening to this soothing melody once again, for it had become the theme song of the release from the pressure, and to actually hear the words, and have them flashed on the screens up front was a great release. After about 20 minutes, Gurumayi walked into the hall and to her chair, the canned music stopped and the live chant began. This was the ultimate release, there she was, the person we were to release our egos to, here to save us from ourselves with her love and compassion. (Of course we all overlooked and forgot that she was the one who was browbeating us for 5 days from the back of the hall, hidden behind a one way mirror.) This pressure / release technique is used in many different ways. For example, the fire and brimstone speeches at Baptist churches, followed by the introduction of the saving grace of giving yourself to Jesus. There is actually a chemical reaction happening in your body along with the emotional roller coaster. The release triggers chemicals that make you feel like you're being bathed in sweet nectar, covered in love. Siddha Yoga has learned how to use this technique very well: The Fire Course, The Seva Course, The No Ego Course. All use pressure/release techniques. Indeed, the Intensive uses it also to some extent, and the guru is always the release. Siddha Yoga fosters and promotes a sense of specialness within its ranks, and indeed the CLT participants were told they were very special indeed. We were all pretty much separated from everyone else in the ashram, for there was little time for meeting anyone not in the CLT. We were even given a special darshan with Gurumayi on the Saturday following the week of training. We were taught things we couldn't pass on. We were special. And Gurumayi was pleased with us. So we were happy. Steering Committee, 1992 to 1994 The specialness that SYDA promotes is two-fold. For one, you are special because you have a true guru, you are on a true path. But also, within SYDA, it is made quite clear that some people are indeed more special than others. People with money are given special treatment and special favors. Certain sevas are more special than others, and this is reinforced by the passing of "confidential" information, information that is being given to you because you can be trusted. This specialness and secrecy pervades the whole Center Leader/Steering Committee process. From application through nomination and acceptance, it's all done in secret. And once you become a CL, or the new term, Steering Committee member, you are told things that are for your ears only. Mostly things that don't seem all that secret (like tour schedules, or dates and times and formats for programs, Intensives, etc.). But also things about people in the community. You're asked to judge people as harshly and honestly as possible, as to whether they'll be good for certain "special" sevas. And especially things about finances are kept pretty quiet. It did get more open than it used to be; I recall when it was forbidden to even mention how many people had signed up for or were taking any of the paid events; and one never talked about how much money was being spent on what, or how much was being taken in. As a SC person, you get tons of faxes and letters and phone calls that are all supposed to be confidential. Most is just routine business, but some involves personal things about people. I recall being called once late at night and asked my thoughts on a certain person at the center who'd called the darshan secretaries a few days before, asking to talk to Gurumayi. There had been a death in her family and she was distraught. They asked if I thought it was a good idea to give this person the upcoming Intensive, could she handle it. The upshot was, she was given the Intensive by Gurumayi, or more realistically, the Global Communications Office. But I was to tell her that someone in the center had given it to her, and they wished to remain anonymous. I was to tell absolutely no one that the Intensive had been given to her, but the finance people, in their diligence confronted me on the missing $400, so I had to tell them what was what. Things like that happened all the time. The fiasco over our center's Building Fund money was the most trying for me personally. Our center had been actively seeking a new building for a few years, and the community had donated well over $300K to that end over those years. But at one point in the search, Fallsburg had changed the rules, and had asked to have us send them the money, initially, so that they could invest it more wisely for us. But eventually, it became clear they had all along intended to keep the money for their own use. As the leadership at our local center, and the community began to figure out what was happening, all hell broke loose. People's basic mistrust of Fallsburg arose, and the lack of local control or possession of the funds arose. The community wanted to know specifically what had happened to the money. The initial transfer of funds from local control to SYDA control occurred prior to my tenure on the Steering Committee. As I was told, a former Center Leader, along with the current Finance person had wire transferred the money directly into SYDA accounts, with no more than a record of the actual transfer: no signatures, no written agreements as to what the transfer signified to both parties (technically, two different non-profit organizations). They had transferred the money on the orders of one of the swamis of SYDA. The local community, meanwhile, was told that SYDA was safeguarding our funds, and investing them for us. However, SYDA was completely unresponsive as to how much money was involved, and as to how much return was being realized on our investments. Before they stopped answering questions altogether, we were told we were earning around 1% per year. It was this admission that prompted the uproar in the community over the missing funds. That and being told we were no longer to buy a new building, but to rent another, larger space. It was then obvious to all, that the large sums of cash already collected were excessive for a new rental. What was to happen with the excess? So, we took the questions to Fallsburg. And Fallsburg was being cagey and unresponsive, but sensing that trouble was brewing, I was asked to quietly collect a list of all the people in the center who'd given money over the years; no easy task, as our records were pretty sloppy. They wanted names, amounts, addresses and phone numbers, and they wanted it as quickly as possible. They weren't going to do anything until they had this list. Meanwhile, the community was up in arms, fearing Fallsburg had stolen our money. I was told not to talk to people, to not answer my phone and not go to the center if need be. They would handle it. But they couldn't until they had the list. I spent hours and hours compiling that thing. I even took time off from work. I felt an allegiance to the community, but I also felt like I had to obey Fallsburg. I was in the middle. I couldn't tell people anything. It was very intense. I couldn't even tell my fellow, unauthorized Steering Committee people. I was the only trusted one. I wasn't even to tell my Finance people. Of course, Fallsburg was calling my Finance people and telling them things they weren't telling me. It was a real mess. (In the end, they never even used the list, or called anyone, by the way.) What they came up with, initially, was: the money was dakshina. Everyone who gave would be asked if they gave it as dakshina (which Fallsburg interpreted to mean it was given without strings attached, and thus it was now theirs to do with as they so chose); or was it given for a specific purpose (i.e., for a new building locally). If this was the case, people could have their money back. There were no other choices. For months the battle of semantics raged; Fallsburg even officially changed the definitions regarding both "dakshina" and "donations" in the process; changing it back a few months later. We were told (by Fallsburg), that the situation we found ourselves in was not unique to our center. They said that there were a few other centers around the world that were in the same situation of having raised large sums of money to buy a building; and now the rules were being changed. Thus, the redefinition of the terms "dakshina" and "donation". In the end, the money remained in SYDA coffers. A letter was authored by the local Board of Directors, which basically spelled out the original Fallsburg plan: did you give it as dakshina? If you did, we'll use it as we see fit. If not, you have 30 days to claim it back. Over the months of discussions in between, Fallsburg lied, stalled and made attempts to pacify the masses with pretended concern. It was a real mess. Another real mess was over the people we wanted on our Steering Committee, people that were actually doing the job but hadn't been approved. After months of stalling, Global finally confessed that none would be approved, and why; but I wasn't to tell these people anything, just keep it going the way it was, and send more names. Then they said I could go to the Board of Directors for advice and when I did, I found they knew about why these people weren't chosen, because Fallsburg had called them and told them. Then it got to one of the people who wasn't chosen and she felt that she was the only one here who didn't know. She blamed me for not telling her, because Fallsburg denied blame and claimed I'd blackballed her with letters of complaint about her, and that the letters were why she wasn't chosen. The so called complaint letters were merely my weekly update faxes to Global on what was happening here. I was really only asked to do something illegal once during my tenor on the SC. By that time, it didn't seem like much, especially since it was necessary to do Gurumayi's work here. The center was incorporated as a non-profit corporation in our state. As such, it was required by law to have a working Board of Directors, and that Board was to meet at least once a year; the results of that meeting, the minutes, were to be filed yearly with the state. For years, there had only been a phony board, made up of people who didn't even know they were on it. Someone would make up minutes, and those phony minutes would be filed with the state. I made it a project to legitimize the board. So, I went to Fallsburg for advise on how to do that. One of their lawyers told me to do so, I would have to falsify papers of Board transfers and appointments. I was told this was the only way to get to the ends we desired: a full and legitimate working Board of Directors. So, I falsified the paperwork. It seems in SYDA, the unspoken motto is: the end justifies the means. The end is doing Gurumayi's work. The means is anything and everything, illegal, immoral, it doesn't matter. There are many more examples, but I think I will stop here. You get the idea. Suffice to say, Fallsburg is operating on a different set of rules than anyone else. Fair play, truth and respect have little to do with how they operate; or how we are asked to operate. Lies are common. Stories change with the wind. I used to think this was just the people around Gurumayi that were doing this. But I know now that it is coming from the very top; it's the way to conduct business in SYDA. Gurumayi lies constantly. Lies to take blame away from herself for anything. Lies to screw with people's heads. Lies for her own amusement. A friend who once worked for another SYDA person was told by this person, when she caught her lying to clients, that she was just preparing her for what it was like to work in Fallsburg at Gurumayi's ashram. It was the way it was done. Even Gurumayi lied. The implication being, if Gurumayi lies, it must be ok. It's not ok. Not for an organization that pretends to be based on love, respect and truth. For not only isn't SYDA based on love or respect or truth; it's not based on much of anything. You can't follow the lineage of masters back even to Nityananda. He never appointed Muktananda, Muktananda appointed himself. SYDA is a thief. It steals peoples hearts and minds and money for its own selfish gains. It stole from Nityananda, making a mockery out of him. It plays games with law, ethics and morals, especially when it comes to its dealings with money. Did you know that in order to maintain its tax exempt status in the state of New York, SYDA bankrolls, does the books, and all but in name, owns and runs two stores that do business right next to its property in Sullivan County, New York ? I talked to an ex-SYDA Finance Office person who used to do the books and receipts for these businesses. She said SYDA put them in other people's names, but they were definitely SYDA businesses. Did you know that SYDA routinely smuggles items into India and into the US to avoid taxes? I talked to someone who saw a shipment of cheap goods brought in in black garbage bags, unpacked and put up for sale in the Bookstore in the South Fallsburg ashram. And why is everything so expensive? Why are Intensives $400? Courses $75 to $300? Why are "spiritual items" sold in the bookstores so expensive? Does it really cost hundreds of dollars for a cheap Indian made shawl? Where is all the money going that SYDA takes in from the Correspondence Course? Each month thousands receive their lessons at $100 to $120 a year. Does it really cost that much to run off a few pages a month and mail it out in bulk mail? Where does all the money go? Certainly not into maintaining or paying off the buildings of the South Fallsburg Ashram! The buildings and land are paid for; they were bought years ago with cash. The state of the buildings will tell you not much is put into their upkeep beyond just the bare essentials: mold, lack of fresh paint, filthiness abound. Sure, the showcase building is kept in better shape (the Main Building), and expensive looking chandeliers and carpets abound there. New additions are garish and look expensive also; but none of this accounts for the millions SYDA takes in monthly. Where does all the money go? Why does someone who claims to be a renuncient wear such expensive jewelry, expensive silk robes; use only expensive gold and silver cups and saucers and only the finest china plates; travel and live in such an expensive and extravagant manner? Where does all the money go? There are too many unanswered questions. Too much is not as it seems. To stay in SYDA, one must lie to oneself daily about these unanswered questions. One must ignore one's real lack of spiritual advancement, and rely on the phony tutored to death "experiences" SYDA says you must be having. But to me, knowing that the core truth is a lie, knowing that Gurumayi is not a Sadguru, not even a realized being, but merely a sick, money hungry fake, with deep psychological problems; makes it impossible to buy any of the rest. The traditions and scriptures SYDA coops and attempts to make its own are true and believable; but not as SYDA presents them. It bastardizes them and makes them dirty, like SYDA itself is dirty. The little lies fall apart. The big lie comes crashing down. What is left? Garish pantheons to someone's huge ego. Immoral and illegal activity. A charlatan pretending to be a queen. It is good to step out of the darkness that really is SYDA, into the light of real truth. And it's good to lose the fear that pervades SYDA, and really find my own inner strength; to rely on my own strength, rather than on a false guru's claims of strength. It is good to be free. Stories sydafoundation March 23, 1986 To All Siddha Yoga Devotees: On November 9, 1985, in Ganeshpuri, India, Swami Nityananda met with the Board of Trustees of SYDA Foundation and expressed his desire to retire as one of the spiritual heads of the ashram and one of the Gurus of Siddha Yoga. Subsequently, on November 10, Nityananda appeared at a public ceremony and participated in scriptural rites which released him from the role of Guru and his vows of monkhood, and was given the name Venkateshwar Rao. Recently, the SYDA Foundation received a letter from a lawyer claiming to represent Venkateshwar stating that his client's retirement was involuntary and advising the Foundation of Venkateshwar's intention to reclaim the seat. At the same time, Venkateshwar and his brother-in-law made allegations in the Indian press suggesting that he was drugged, brainwashed, and forced to retire. These recent actions by Venkateshwar have left us with no choice but to disclose the facts surrounding his retirement. To this end I have enclosed: (1) A message from Gurumayi (2) A statement from the Swamis (3) A statement from the Trustees (4) The recent magazine interview with Venkateshwar We ask that you please read this information. Signed, Sanand Winzeler Secretary SYDA Foundation sydafoundation A STATEMENT FROM THE TRUSTEES TO ALL THE DEVOTEES OF SIDDHA YOGA "We bow to the Siddha Lineage" We have received a letter from a lawyer on behalf of Venkateshwar Rao (the former Swami Nityananda) claiming he was coerced into retiring. We were present during the days before and after he retired. Before he announced his decision we had a long meeting with him. We had extensive discussions about the reason for his decision and about his future plans. He appeared confident, alert and happy about being relieved of the burdens he felt in performing his functions as Gurudev Nityananda. None of us witnessed anything that could have coerced his decision nor that indicated he felt coerced. Nevertheless, the Trustees have a legal obligation to respond to his charges in a responsible way. Therefore we have instructed the Foundation lawyer to interview all persons who may have information proving or disproving his charges. We hope Venkateshwar will come out of hiding to be interviewed and recommend other persons to be interviewed, so that all evidence on which he bases his charges can be presented to the Board. Although the Trustees are reserving their decision until Venkateshwar has had an opportunity to participate, the initial interviews indicate it was his immoral and unethical behavior which motivated his voluntary decision to retire. When the Board makes a final decision, it will be communicated to you in a responsible manner. In the meantime you should know that SYDA Foundation recognizes Gurumayi Chidvilasananda as the sole spiritual leader of Siddha Yoga. SADGURUNATH MAHARAJ KI JAY A STATEMENT FROM THE SWAMIS OF SIDDHA YOGA A swami's duty is to attain Self-knowledge and to teach that same Truth. Once he dens his saffron robes, his life is not his own, but God's. This path is not an easy one -- it's like a razor's edge. Because a swami is so visible, his actions must be spotless and beyond reproach. This is not the case with Swami Nityananda, now known as Venkateshwar Rao. Having publicly renounced the world, he privately embraced it. Ignoring his duties and the spiritual needs of his devotees, he pursued sense pleasures, misled seekers, and broke his vows of chastity and obedience time and time again. In short, he abused his position as a spiritual teacher, betraying the love and trust of thousands of devotees. Siddha Yoga has had its share of swamis who put on orange robes and later put them off. A few of them continue to practice Siddha Yoga and are welcome in our satsangs. They were honest seekers who found the rigors of swamihood beyond their strength. Those swamis who have remained as swamis have found this strength does not come from any human agency, but from the Shakti of the Guru's grace. When one upholds the dharma of sannyasa and the teachings of the Siddhas, this grace supports you in everything you do. Conversely, when you violate this dharma, the dharma destroys you. This is the greatness of Siddha Yoga. The power of the lineage is so real it even expels a Guru who does not abide by his Guru's commands. This is what has happened to Venkateshwar Rao, formerly Swami Nityananda. Significantly, since then, swamis in Siddha Yoga, including some of those who were on Venkateshwar's staff, have recognized Gurumayi Chidvilasananda as the true Guru of the Siddha lineage and the sole legitimate spiritual head of Siddha Yoga. We stand behind her and support her every action. The Swamis //OM GURU OM// A MESSAGE FROM GURUMAYI TO ALL THE DEVOTEES OF SIDDHA YOGA Part I Ever since creation there has been a constant struggle between the human will and the Divine will. It seems that life is full of conflict and passion. Outwardly, some appear to lead a life of luxury and others a life of poverty. Some appear to live in intellectual glory and others in the dungeon of ignorance. Some appear to be open and free while others are closed off from society. Much can be said and written about how life was, is, and can be. Yet, deep within, it is nothing but a struggle between the human will and the Divine will. Human will is commonly defined as free will; whereas, the Divine will is called destiny. People want to know the purpose of life: What is the goal? What is one's duty? What is the right way of living? On and on it goes. No single life has satisfied all minds, all intellects, and all egos, For one, the goal of life is to amass great wealth. Yet, having obtained it, the person feels guilty for living a luxurious life. For another, the goal is to take life as it comes and not to think of the future. Still, there is no contentment. There is constant worry: "What is going to happen?" Human will seeks constant change. It thinks that change will bring happiness and freedom. The child thinks, "When I'm a teenager, I will have a lot more wisdom and happiness." The teenager thinks, "When I'm an adult, I will have more freedom." The adult thinks, "As I grow older, I'll gain more experience in life. I'll know what life is." An elderly person either yearns for death or wishes he could return to his childhood days. Although there is constant change in nature, its aim is not to find the goal of life or freedom. Nature constantly changes for its own joy. Water becomes ice, and ice becomes water. The wind blows and then becomes still. The ocean roars and later becomes serene. Fire displays its ferocious wings and then enfolds them within itself. The earth holds the treasures of the world, yet remains silent. The ether observes all, yet maintains its purity. At times, there are drought and famine and at other times excessive rain. All this is for nature's own greatness, for its own revelations. Knowing itself, nature is in constant ecstasy with its ever-changing moods. This is the Divine will. Everything that happens is for its own excellent being. There is no question of rising or falling. From where do the waves rise, and where do they fall? There is no question of hidden or apparent. Where do the flames originate, and where do they return? So the Divine will continues, with its tumultuous act of endless change. In every movement there is a smile. In every drop there is a universe. In every breath of wind there is another creation. The Divine will is the foundation of all existence. When one battles against this foundation, one's very life is in jeopardy. Questioning one's existence is valid, but denying it creates ever-increasing turmoil. Men of knowledge, knowers of the Truth, have been fascinated by the Divine will and have called it karma. In his song the great being Surdas said: O Uddhava, mysterious are the ways of karma. Although the river is small, its water is sweet. The ocean is vast, yet its water is salty and undrinkable. Although the heron has elegant white feathers, what does it do? The cuckoo has plain black feathers, yet sings so sweetly. Although the deer has enchanting eyes, it roams aimlessly here and there. A fool becomes a king, while a scholar wanders about in poverty. Surdas says, "Although my desire to meet the Lord is intense, I have not found Him, and every second weighs heavily upon me. Although yearning for that attainment is absolutely essential, only the Divine will can grant it. Surdas says that although he wants to meet God, it still has not become a reality. A man of knowledge recognizes that it is necessary to call upon the Divine and to accept the Divine will. Modern geologists realize that there are unseen forces which are shaping and fashioning the planet Earth. Even though they are putting forth tremendous effort to detect and measure these great forces, they are too powerful to come within the grasp of man-made technology. Trying to capture these subtle forces through machines is like running after a mirage with a bucket. This very force is within all of us as well. It is finer than the finest, yet mightier than the mightiest. As an individual penetrates to the deeper levels of his own being, he contacts that unseen force which is called the Divine will. The only way to know the Divine will is for the human will to unite with it through the grace of the Divine. In Siddha Yoga the Divine will is called the Guru principle. The literal meaning of the word Guru is 'heavy." Here, heavy means great, but not the in the sense of being better than something or someone else. It is the beginning, middle, and end. It is the all-pervasive force within and without. Kashmir Shaivism uses the terms vishvatmaka (immanent) and vishvateeta (transcendent). When this force or principle is fully awakened within someone through grace, such a being is worthy of the name Guru. Therefore, the Guru is not the physical body but the core of his or her being -- the fully awakened force or Shakti. The Guru is the focal point of Siddha Yoga. People sometimes wonder to what extent they should follow their own inclinations and to what extent they should do what the Guru asks of them. They tend to forget that the realized Guru lives in the state of sthita prajna, or steady wisdom. There is complete serenity from the surface to the depths of such a being. As the Yoga Vasishtha says: "When the mind is at peace, pure, tranquil, free from delusion, untangled, and free from cravings, it does not long for anything, neither does it reject anything." A true Guru is not a toy of his feelings, emotions, or bodily actions. He exists solely for the upliftment of mankind. One becomes a true Guru as the result of the accumulated merits and the sadhana of hundreds of lifetimes. He continues to function as a Guru by fulfilling his Guru's command within and without. The Guru does not give a command for his own selfish reasons. It is the Divine will that is at play. It is very difficult for people to accept this because they are generally bound by their own limited vision of life. Another vital factor of Siddha Yoga is the relationship between the Guru and the disciple. This is the most sublime relationship one can ever have. My own feelings are expressed by Rumi: "I closed my eyes to creation when I beheld the Guru's beauty; I became intoxicated with his beauty and gave him my soul." When the disciple says, karishye vachanam tava -- "I will do Thy bidding," then the Guru makes the disciple like himself, It is a long journey to reach this kind of surrender. Without this surrender and inner attainment, however, worldly name and fame amount to nothing. The will of a Siddha Guru is not different from the Divine will. Baba was no longer a mere man; he was the embodiment of the Shakti itself. He carried out his Guru's work and then passed -it on by appointing two successors. There is a story which will shed some light on Baba's intention in doing so: The Lama of the South asked the Great Lama of the North to send a wise and holy monk to teach the devotees. To everyone's surprise, he sent not one monk but five. When people asked him why he had done this, he replied, "We will be lucky if one of them reaches the Lama." After the five monks had been on the road for some days, a messenger came running up to them saying, "The priest of our village has died, and we need someone to replace him." The village was pleasant and the priest's salary was sizable. One of the monks thought, "I would not be a good Buddhist if I refused to serve these people." So he dropped out. A few days later they reached the royal palace. The king took a liking to one of the monks and told him, "Stay here, and I will give you my daughter in marriage. And when I die, you will inherit the kingdom." The monk thought, "What better way is there to influence people than to be king? I would not be a good Buddhist if I didn't take this opportunity to spread, religion." He also dropped out, One night, as they were crossing a range of mountains, they came upon a small hut of a beautiful young woman who put them up for the night. Her parents had been killed by bandits, and she was all alone and frightened. The next day, one of the monks said, ''I'm going to stay on here. I would not be a good Buddhist if I didn't take compassion on this girl." The remaining two monks reached a village and discovered that the inhabitants had abandoned Buddhism under the influence of a Hindu scholar. One of the monks said, "I would not be a good Buddhist if I didn't stay here to win these people back to the faith." The fifth monk eventually reached the Lama of the South. As you read this story, the question may arise, "What really happened to Swami Nityananda, who is now Venkateshwar?" Whose task is it to analyze and judge the stepping-down of a monk who did not fulfill the requirements of the seat? Only the monk himself can do so. And who but oneself can obey the wishes of one's own Guru? A Siddha Guru, out of his unfathomable compassion, gives people the opportunity to elevate themselves. He wishes the best, the greatest, and the highest for everybody. Within he has one thought, one feeling, which is nothing but the Divine, He infuses this force into everything he comes across because his being is charged with the power of Divinity. In Rumi's words: Wherever you set your foot, O Beloved, tulip and violet and jasmine spring up. You breathe upon a piece of clay, and it becomes either a dove or an eagle. You wash your hands in a dish, and from the water of your hand, the dish becomes of gold. Your hem strikes against a thorn, and its clutch becomes a strumming lute. This is the glory of a Siddha Guru. If a successor does not imbibe the grace and the divinity of the Guru, it shows that he has much more sadhana to do. This is the plain truth. If some individuals drop out, it is not the fault of the Guru, but of the individuals' lack of merit and misuse of the Shakti. How does one lose merit? There are many ways; however, in Siddha Yoga it is by failing to fulfill the will of the Guru. Part II Did Swami Nityananda not fulfill his Guru's will and the needs of the seat? That is exactly what happened. Baba Muktananda gave him specific instructions, but Swami Nityananda did not fulfill them. In fact, if you remember some of his talks, he has openly stated how he lied to Baba. Though Baba put him on the seat, his way of speaking about his Guru was condescending and nonchalant. There are times when words do not matter. However, when the teaching is being imparted, they do. It has been my fervent intention to give him one opportunity after another. Nevertheless, this is a hard task when the person has not recognized his own inner divinity. At one point, Nityananda said, "I don't believe in God either." If no enlightenment has taken place, how can the bodily senses know and experience Consciousness every second of the day without falling prey to sense pleasures? I specifically chose not to speak about his actions, and I also insisted that no one else speak about his actions because I wanted him to be able to maintain his dignity in the eyes of the world, However, due to his subsequent actions, it has now become necessary to do so. Just before Baba's samadhi celebration in 1985, Swami Nityananda was asked to change his ways back to those of a true and perfect Guru by following Baba's teachings and by living up to Baba's wishes. It seems that he was too far gone to do so. During the samadhi saptah, a few swamis and other devotees confronted him with his actions, since my talking to him was no longer of any use. This triggered a reaction in him, not for the best but for the worst. He denied all the information regarding his improper behavior, such as not being a celibate, indulging in sense pleasures, not respecting spiritual practices, and so on. He said, "If I'm telling lies, may God punish me." Lo and behold! Little did he realize what a statement he had made. Be was sitting on Baba's chair, one on which Baba had sat for many long years in the Ganeshpuri Ashram. This was the second time he had said this. The first time was in Oakland in 1983. During his talk he made a similar statement while denying rumors about himself. Also, back in 1983 in South Fallsburg he said, "I was reading a magazine in which they said they didn't like the way a particular spiritual master lived his life, so they dethroned him. They told him to get out. The board of directors took over the place, brought in psychotherapists, communication analysts, and all these different people, so that everything in the center would go very well. And I told Eddie, 'Why don't you do that to me also? I'd be very glad to do that.' But he said, 'No, no.' Then he added, 'I don't want to be in your position.' I'm still waiting to find that perfect being who will one day dethrone me, and I'll be so happy." Swami Nityananda became restless and realized it was Baba's will that he now leave the role of Guru. Not knowing how to face the masses, he decided to disappear early in the morning of October 24. That morning the yajna was to begin. He called me and said he was going to flee and get lost because the swamis did not believe that he was a true Guru. When asked how he felt as a Guru, he said he was helpless -- he really did not know what to do. I asked him to think about it, and he called me again in half an hour, saying that he had made up his mind to run away in the morning. I said, "You must understand this is a public trust. If you want to give up your role, you will have to present it to the trustees of Gurudev Siddha Peeth." He agreed and, at my request, said he would certainly come and say good-bye to me at 7:00 in the morning. I sat for meditation early the next morning, and I experienced very dramatically that if he were to leave that night, he would be leaving Baba for good and harm would befall him and others. At 5:30 I went to the Guru Gita chant, which was held in the cave because the saptah was going on. After the Guru Gita had ended, I called Venkappa, told him the situation, and asked him to lock all the gates. He replied that Swami Nityananda already had duplicate keys to all the gates. So I told him, "In that case, we'll have to do something more drastic; we'll have to slash the tires." At 7:00 Swami Nityananda came down from his house, went to the samadhi shrine, and then to Baba's house. I asked him, "What are you planning to do?" He replied, "I have decided to leave after the ceremonies are over." In the meantime, they had slashed the tires of the cars to prevent him from leaving, since they had not received the information that he had once again changed his mind. Because I had told him that he would have to inform the trustees, at 2:00 a.m. he had called the secretary of Gurudev Siddha Peeth, who advised him to leave after the Punyatithi celebrations were over, since thousands of devotees had come from all over India and the West. At 7:30 that morning, I had to go give cloth to the brahmans who were going to begin the yajna that morning, I asked Swami Nityananda to go upstairs, saying that I would be with him shortly. Some of the swamis and devotees wanted to know what he was going to do, so they had come to ask him. His state was muddled, for he was unable to call on the divine help from within. After talking for some time, he made it very clear that he did not have either the willingness or Baba's Shakti to continue as a Guru. When it was suggested that he accept Swami Chidvilasananda as his spiritual advisor, he immediately agreed. However, just as he was unable to be Baba's disciple, he was unable to fulfill this also. The possibility of dethroning him was never discussed; that was not in anyone's mind. He himself did not want to return to his apartment for the time being. He was afraid that if he was around his disciples he would fall into the same delusion of Guruhood, when he could no longer function as a Guru. I said it would be all right for him to stay in Baba's study room and to contemplate what he lacked and why he had lost what he thought he had had. This is how it all began. When he still could not come to any final conclusions about what he should do, on the final day of Baba's samadhi celebrations at the Yajna Mandap he announced that he would observe silence for a year. The crux of the matter is that it was obviously impossible for him to fulfill the role of a Sadguru in spite of the fact that he was in that position. In 1983 when he was in Paris and I was in Australia, he told me on the phone, "I resign from Guruhood. I don't want to be a Guru." I replied, "Watch what you say. The Shakti is ever alive. I don't want to hear that again because Baba's action is impeccable." He moaned and groaned and that was that for the time being. Many, many times the fact arose that he was struggling with being a Guru. He talked about taking a year off and living in solitude in Hawaii (not a bad place) or just keeping to himself. After his Australian tour in 1984, he could no longer teach Siddha Yoga in its purity, so he decided to stay in Ganeshpuri and work on himself. Of course, what he did was to work on having a huge house built for himself. Even during that time, when people were breaking their backs building his house, he went to Jaipur for five days and to Germany for two weeks to relax. At this time I was in Los Angeles in April 1985. When he called me on the phone, I asked him, "How hard have you worked so that you feel the need to relax for two weeks?" When asked, "What do you do all day long?" he replied, "I drive around." (Not a bad life for this Guru!) The final stroke occurred when he came to South Fallsburg in mid-June 1985. I was in Montreal at the time. Over the telephone he said, "Gurumayi, I'm having problems with my Guruhood. I need to talk to you. I don't think I can go on like this." It was 12:30 a.m., and I had just come back from the program. I asked him to go ahead and speak about it but he said, no, he would wait until I came to Fallsburg. When I arrived, it was becoming crystal clear that he had gone off the deep end. He confessed that he did not understand the mind and death, and he talked for two hours about his situation. My heart ached for him. I sincerely prayed to Baba and to God to bestow their infinite compassion on this fellow that Baba had chosen to continue his work. Although it seemed there was a lot of grace, Swami Nityananda had become impervious to it. I understood that his sins were too numerous, and unless he burned them off, his life was going to be very difficult. All that can be said is that even though Baba infused the Shakti into a golden vessel, due to the abuse of that Shakti, the vessel no longer remained pure gold. Nevertheless, he did not apply himself to washing away all the rust he had accumulated, so by the time he went to India he could hardly stay in Gurudev Siddha Peeth. He went away to Lonawala to relax and have a good time while everyone else was busy preparing for Baba's upcoming samadhi celebrations. During this period when he was to observe silence, his restlessness only increased. I told him that if he confessed all his actions, perhaps he would get them off his chest and could think clearly again. Because it was very difficult for him to open up and reveal everything to me, once again the help of the swamis and devotees was taken to enable him to bring out all the things he had done and to see them clearly. During that time, it became quite obvious that he would not be able to sit on the throne again. He himself kept repeating that he would rather not be in that role. At his request, with the approval of the swamis and devotees and with my permission, on November 3 he announced his retirement. It was made at the end of the Hindi Intensive as well as the English Intensive. Of course, the announcement came as a heavy blow. Since nothing in Siddha Yoga happens without Baba's will, Swami Nityananda also felt that it was totally Baba's will that he retire. In fact, throughout his period of solitude in Baba's house, he repeated that he knew one day this would happen to him. In the back of his mind there was always the apprehension that he would have to give up the throne, and he knew that women in particular would be his downfall. Swami Nityananda wanted to step down as smoothly as possible, and it was also my strong feeling that it should be done quite honorably. The Mahamandaleshwar was invited to come and Swami Nityananda spoke with him for quite a long time. Swami Nityananda basically said that he felt it was Baba's will that he step down after three years. He insisted on renouncing his orange clothes of sannyasa so that in the future people would not identify him with the role of Guru that he had played. His thinking was quite proper in this respect. The Mahamandaleshwar gave him a letter stating that he had absolved him of all the sannyasa vows, and then he went through religious ceremonies performed by Bhau Shastri, the Ashram priest. He did not want to go back to his old name Subhash. He wanted to start a new life, so he was given the name Venkateshwar Rao. Finally, on November 10 he gave his official declaration. Although some people have claimed that his declaration was written by someone else, we have kept his handwritten papers on which he wrote, scratched out, and rewrote his message. Afterwards, he returned to his room in Nityeshwar, where he was no longer in solitude. Be walked around the gardens, met people, and went to Amrit. People also went to his room, and he came outside and sat among swamis during darshan. During this whole period, he was still thinking about what he was going to do. Be tossed various ideas back and forth. He wanted to become a businessman, and he had several projects in his mind. He also thought about just staying in Ganeshpuri for awhile, or studying Sanskrit for six years. He had so many ideas, but none really appealed to him. In the meantime, he did not stop seeing women. When the different women with whom he had had physical relationships began to compare notes, they became angry. Finally, on the night of November 24, two weeks after he retired, I picked up what Baba used to call his "Chota Guru." It is a small walking stick he used to slap people who would otherwise not wake up from the delusion torturing them. In my presence, he received a few slaps with it from the women he had abused. He offered no resistance because he knew this was not a punishment; but was rather to wake him up from his fantasy world. Nevertheless, it was obvious that none of it really entered him; even a few slaps from me did not make him budge. In fact, he himself said that nothing was making a dent in him. It was quite disappointing. One of the swamis became frustrated and had to be restrained by George Afif. In Ganeshpuri, Baba once said, "Sins are sins, but among sins there is one called the thunderbolt sin, which sticks to you and is very hard to get rid of. What is that sin?" People gave various answers, listing all the different things that we ordinarily classify as sins. Baba replied, "These sins are very ordinary. Sins that are committed in other places are washed away in an ashram or a holy place, but sins which are committed in a holy place stick to you like a thunderbolt." Venkateshwar and I talked again on the night of November 25. When I went to his room, he was reading Time Magazine and, to my surprise, showed no trace of repentance whatsoever. As we just casually talked, he spoke about how he was not in touch with his feelings. We talked about how perhaps he would need a little break before launching into a household life. On the telephone I asked him to be smart, get on the Diane, and come back to Hawaii to talk about what he was running away from and what he wanted to do. After that I told him that both of us should go to India to clear up this mess that his family and brother-in-law Santosh had created. First he would agree; then he would call back and say he was afraid and that he had decided not to go. I continually made it clear that I was always available for him to come and talk to me at any time. Later on I went to Oakland, Mexico, and then to Miami. It was in Miami that I came to learn that he wanted to get back on the throne and become a Guru again. He had gone to India for six days and had given an interview to the Illustrated Weekly. When I read it, I was amazed at the delusion one's mind can continually concoct. I am certain that there are people who still love and miss the form of Swami Nityananda. The problem is that this devotion is not going to be liberating. The time has come for each one to re-evaluate his or her own dharma in this world. Without this self-inquiry, one will be swept away by the allegations of the media. I pray that Venkateshwar Rao may somehow stop being influenced by whoever is around him, that he can find the courage within himself to lead a dharmic life, and that he may do something which will remove the embarrassment which he has inflicted on spiritual seekers and Siddha Yoga devotees. I do not know what is impelling him now to sacrifice his forthcoming marriage, claiming it was just a rumor, and to attempt a comeback as a Guru, saying that he was abducted and coerced. God forbid! He was neither drugged, kidnapped, nor coerced. When he was confronted with his actions, the Shakti did its work. Siddha Yoga has undergone many changes in recent years: Baba took samadhi, and then Swami Nityananda stepped down. This is and can only be the Divine will. It is another amazing transformation. The life of a Guru is a solitary path. When the Guru receives praises and glory from people, he simultaneously has to re-offer them to his own Guru, who has merged into God. You must have compassion on yourself and other seekers. In Siddha Yoga it is important to respect the fact that when you do not live by the will of the Divine, of the Shakti, you are automatically put in another position in which to do your sadhana. The power of the seat is such that if it is abused in any way, it will not allow a person to continue sitting on it. Nature does not panic when it undergoes change. It does not wonder, "What will the billions of people on this earth say if I create a raging storm? What will they say if there is a deluge? What will they say if fires blaze or if the earth quakes violently?" A Siddha Guru sacrifices his entire being to the Divine will. For him, there is no other goal than the Divine, there is no other life than the Divine, and there is no other death than merging into the divine. Baba was perfect, is perfect, and will always be perfect. His will is the will of the Truth. Anything other than the Truth will ultimately be uprooted. It seems that for one person's actions, somebody else must pay. This is how it appears. Nevertheless, when the human will is united with the Divine will, no matter how many ups-and-downs and heartrending incidents take place, only light, love, and the truth can remain. Your own, Swami Chidvilasananda